Thoughts From in Front of a Fireplace

As we come to another Christmas, I reflect on Christmas past. I think of all the lovely memories, the family members that are no longer sitting with us in front of the fire, and the many things that have happened in between each and every Christmas. Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year because my love language is definitely gifts. I enjoy receiving gifts, but I love giving gifts even more. I cherish every gift and every memory that has been given to me during Christmastime.
The funny thing is that I have not really had the chance to let Christmas sink into and invade my heart and soul this time around. I have been so busy with my first semester of college (we didn't get out until the 18th) and worrying about a multitude of different things that I forgot to reflect on what Christmas means and how much it truly means to me, personally.
I have always had fantastic Christmases. When I was really little, we used to go down to Florida and spend Christmas with my grandparents down there. I never even knew what a white Christmas was. Then, when I was around 8 years old, they moved up to Tennessee, and so came my Aunt and Uncle when I was probably 12-14. Now, we spend Christmas Eve at my family's house and we exchange gifts with our extended family members. The next morning, we get up and open gifts from our immediate family, and oh how I cherish those Christmas mornings. We gather around a fire (which will not be necessary for our 70 degree Christmas this year), eat breakfast, read the story of our ultimate gift from God, and watch each other open the gifts we have selected. I feel like I imagine Mary felt when the Bible says, in Luke 2:19, "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." I treasure every single Christmas and think of them often. I adore the memories that have been made around Christmas trees, around fires, and around the beautiful, old Bible that sits on the table in my grandparents living room.

Between last year's Christmas and this year's Christmas, I can hardly recognize the person I am, because the past year has been filled with valleys, mountaintops, and much personal growth. This past year has seemed like a roller coaster, but the past few days, I have been able to focus on just what this past year was like. In the past 365 days, I finished my last semester of high school, graduated with honors, went to Nicaragua, started college, made lots of friends, finished my first semester of college with all A's and B's, and so much more. This year has made me realize things about myself and has made me even more grateful that there is a time of year when we all come together to enjoy God's blessings and the wonderful gift of His son.
There is a part in the song "O Holy Night" that says, "Long lay the world in sin and error pining til He appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn." We are back at that place. We are laying in sin and error. Our world continues to go downhill. What Christians fail to see is that, even if Merry Christmas is no longer politically correct, God is still on His sovereign throne watching over every single one of us. This Christmas, instead of reflecting on the bad, let us focus on the thrill of hope and the glorious morn that is breaking. Let us help others to find that hope as well. This world needs hope more than anything else. We, as Christians, should be the ones sharing that hope with others and Christmastime is the perfect time to do it. The chorus of the song goes like this: "Fall on your knees. O hear the angel voices. O night divine, o night when Christ was born." Focus on the Lord this Christmas. Focus on how Jesus, equal with God, became nothing and became Immanuel, God with us. He did not leave us in our sin, but provided and escape. Before you tear into your gifts or complain about what a mess this world is, take time to thank God for the real reason we celebrate Christmas, the perfect, holy gift of His son.

It's Hard to Walk

The other day, I was walking back to my dorm room when I heard a dad call back to his little girl because she had fallen behind the rest of the family. She called out, "Daddy, daddy." He responded with, "Come on. I'll wait for you." Then, she said, "Daddy, it is hard to walk so much."
Now I have no clue if they had walked very far or if they were just walking into the building from the parking lot, but what the little girl said struck me as familiar. I realized that I say that same exact thing to God so often. But, just as her father was patient with her, our Father is patient with us.
I have messed up oh so often recently. I have drifted from the safety of my heavenly Father's arms and looked for love and reassurance in different places. I find my usual excuse is that it is hard to walk the path that God has set before me. It gets lonely, I'll say, forgetting that God is always by my side. He never falters in walking by my side, except for the times when He picks me up and carries me because I tell Him that I am tired of walking His path. Not once has He let me completely stray to another path. He brings me back on course every single time. It is hard for me to walk, but God is patient with me!
He has been teaching me through this. Through ALL of this. In the last five months, I have been beaten, torn, and broken, but through that, God has been teaching me, growing me, and using me. He has shown me things that I never accepted before. I struggle with anxiety. Even typing it here is hard for me, but through that realization, I have been able to overcome parts of it. Most of my anxiety is social. One mark of someone with social anxiety is that they regularly remove themselves from social situations in order to "have control over them." They really don't though. So, instead of trying to "have control," I make myself join in and I find that I actually have lots of fun. He has also grown and nurtured my love for Him. I find more and more evidence of His love everyday. He has shown me that I cannot depend on human affection to satisfy me, because humans can so quickly withdraw their affection and our hearts yearn for something more than what humans can offer us. He has used my experiences and the things I am going through in order to encourage other people, and vice versa. 
A dear friend I have has been dealing with many of the same things. She and I have slowly been getting through this together. I know that I have someone who is always going to turn my focus back on how great and good God is in every part of my life. Even if she doesn't say anything about God, she radiates joy in the midst of her circumstance and that reminds me that only God can provide that kind of joy. She encourages me every time I am around her, in so many different ways. I pray that I encourage her on a daily basis as well.
God knows. He knows that it is hard. God knows that it is hard for us to walk the path He has for us sometimes. I mean Jesus had to suffer the cross. He walked a terrible path, harder than almost any other person that has ever lived. He knows what it is like to say "Daddy, it's hard to walk." The Bible tells us that He prayed, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done.” He was looking for any other way.
There is something about this verse that I struggle with all the time. Jesus asks for the cup to be taken from Him, but He says He will willingly still go through with God's will even if He knows it will be hard. I can learn from Jesus' example. I need to resolve myself to always saying, "God, not my will, but Yours, be done." And when it feels like I cannot go any longer, I need to push myself to keep going, no matter what I am facing. 

I have a few questions to ask you: What are you facing today? What have you been facing in the last year? How has God worked in past situations? And can you see Him working now? If not, how hard are you actually looking?

God works in mysterious, and sometimes very hidden ways. Look! Look HARD! He is working. I can guarantee that. You will find the ways He is working too, if you are looking for them. Take this and think on it. God is working all around you, just take the time to look for Him. Look for Him in the way the wind can carry all your worries away, the way people smile with all the joy in the world at you, the way fellow students or teachers encourage you in little ways throughout the day, the way you just feel inexplicably at rest. Look for Him in all things, every day. You will find Him. And remember that when you tell Him it is hard to walk, He is patient with you, and He will sometimes even pick you up and carry you!

I will leave you with this song. I hope the lyrics encourage you the way they have encouraged me:

Carry Me by Josh Wilson

I try to catch my breath. It hasn't happened yet. I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death, so I prayed, "God, would You make this stop? Father please hold on to me. You're all I've got."

Carry me, carry me, carry me now from my sinking sand to Your solid ground. The only way I'm ever gonna make it out is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now. God, carry me, carry me, carry me now.

Jesus, calm my heart. Come near me, please. Lord, don't let these worries get the best of me. Oh I believe that You're still here with me 'cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave.

So carry me, carry me, carry me now from my sinking sand to Your solid ground. The only way I'm ever gonna make it out is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now. God, carry me, carry me, carry me now. Carry me, God, carry me. Carry me, God, carry me

I'm at the end of myself. I know I've got nothing left. Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death. And I've been down here so long I just can't find my way out. Oh God, I don't stand a chance unless You carry me now. God, carry me now.

Carry me, carry me, carry me now from my sinking sand to Your solid ground. The only way I'm ever gonna make it out is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now. God, carry me, carry me, carry me now.

Nicaragua

Author's Note: This is to just to share with you what is going on in my life. Please do not think that this post is me being exactly what I'm going to talk about trying to change in the post. I'm not trying to be.

I have put off this post, mostly because it is going to make me vulnerable and it is going to humble me. I learned a lot in Nicaragua. I learned how blessed I am. I learned that there is no reason to not enjoy life. I learned about myself and others. I learned how I interact with others. But mostly, I learned that I need to be open and I need to let myself be broken.

I learned that I need to let myself be more open with others and not put up walls around myself. I shared myself (and my heart) in Nicaragua like I had never shared myself before. I think that I always thought that if I shared too much of myself, that I would eventually loose my identity, but I realized that I actually learned more about myself. I saw that I can connect in incredible ways to people that I cannot even talk to. I learned that just because I am blessed beyond measure, that doesn't mean that I am any better or any worse than those who have much less. But, I mostly learned that I am an unbelievably prideful person.
I am full of pride, but I'm not prideful in the usual way. There are people who have huge egos and everybody knows that they need to be brought down a level, but I am prideful in a totally different way. I complain.... A LOT! I will just say, "That looks too hard, or that hurts too much, or I'm not good enough to do that, or I'm not worth that, etc." I will make absent comments, but they are almost always in a complaining way. I make a statement about the weather, but I will say, "It is so hot outside. I am burning up and sweating so much." Instead, I should say, "It is pretty warm outside." Or better yet, I could say nothing. What a concept that is! (Go to the end of this if you want to read my tangent on this point.) I just think I could complain a lot less and I could have a more positive attitude towards everything. So often, my attitude towards things is a very negative attitude. I just tend to look at a lot of things negatively. My word, that dulls my life. That is no help to myself. I am only making it harder for myself to enjoy my life. I need to learn that my own thoughts can be complaining too. The thoughts that I think to myself and the way I think can also be incredibly negative too. I just feel like it cannot be healthy in my walk with Christ. If I am negatively thinking, then I cannot be thinking about God and it usually means that my thoughts are distracted. Everything that goes on in my mind can be a bad influence on my life.
There is something else that I tend to do that I never even noticed before. One of my leaders, on the trip, pointed it out to me. I literally pull myself out of group activities. I kid you not, the first activity we did, which was an amazing zip line over a VOLCANO, I just decided not to do! What an idiot I was. I would have had such an amazing time, and I didn't do it. I didn't climb all the way up a volcano to see an amazing view of an active volcano, because I just did not want to walk all that way, and I missed out on some great photo opportunities, some pretty great jokes, and just getting to see an unbelievable view of God's creation. I decided not to join everybody in the pool, I wouldn't go on a walk with some of the girls early in the morning to see the beauty of God's sunrise. Now, I cannot believe how prideful it was of me to take myself out of those activities. I decided not to do those things, I see now, to make people notice my absence. I can assure you now, people may think about you for a moment, but they will still do whatever they are doing and will soon give their full attention to whatever that is. I think that I complain and have hard time shutting my mouth, and don't do all the activities to get the attention on myself, and honestly, what does that accomplish? At work and stuff, I do not want the attention. I am actually an introvert in the strictest sense of the definition. In other words, I need to be alone in order to be re-energized. I do not know why I want the attention if that is the case, but it is probably the same reason why I love to perform. It lets me know that someone, somewhere is watching me, and at least one person probably will approve.
I need attention. I need approval. That is the reason for my pride. Correction: It is the evidence of my pride. I promise, I did not respond the way I should have that first night. At first, I was fuming at my leader. Then, I was indignant towards her. Then , I wanted to kick and scream when she was making me join in the activity going on that I did not want to be a part of. I wanted to go to bed and be mad at her. But, I ended up being glad that she made me go. It did take me a whole other day to actually thank her though. She was so incredibly patient with me and for that and her bluntness with me I will forever be thankful. She was brave! She clearly told me that I was being prideful, sinful, and it was not pleasing to God. Most of the time, I tend to argue and defend myself to the very end, but I truly think that Spirit of God shut my mouth the way he shout the mouths of the lions in the story of Daniel. I did not say a word, Several times, I wanted to defend myself, but I knew I was in the wrong, so I knew there was nothing I could say. I hope I have done well since then, but I know I have a lot more work to do, but I am determined to be positive, outgoing, and to do a whole lot less complaining. God's strength and my weakness have been combined to create a truly wonderful picture of just how great and glorious my God is. I have seen Him in some truly wonderful ways these past couple of months, working in me. I have fought Him, truly embraced Him, and learned so much about who He is. All I can say is God is  so so good, ALL THE TIME!!!
"I know how I can stray and how fast my heart could change. Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition, and the poison of my pride and any foolish thing my heart holds to. Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You, compared to You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You so I surrender all!!!" - Empty Me by Chris Sligh

Post Author's Note: When I first started this post, I had intended to tell you all more about my trip in the way I told my story, but I have decided that it would weaken what GOD did and how He worked in me. I would love to tell any of you anything you want to know about Nicaragua another time, but this post needed to be about what God did in my HEART. I felt like that was a more important thing to share.




The tangent: Okay, so I cannot remember if I have written something about this before, but there is something that has really been pulling at my heart for a while. (Thank you, Mason, for this) 1 Peter 3;4 says, "But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious." God spoke to me through this verse. He told me that I needed to learn to talk less and that I need to learn to talk gently. I don't often chastise people, but I do speak in a more harsh way. I just guess it is the tone of my voice, but I can always speak as if there is a smile on my face, which I feel would help my voice to sound kinder and less harsh. I don't know. I just feel as if I could learn a lot more about how and when to speak. I think I could make better choices about how I use my voice and the impact it could make on the Kingdom of Heaven.

Creation and the Creator

Hey, guys! It has been WAY TOO long, but Senior year is busy! Anyway, I am now done with high school. I will be going to Bryan in the fall and I am eventually going to pursue a degree in Occupational Therapy with a focus on special needs children, so that is my life now, but I want to talk about something else!
This past week has been filled with storms and sunshine here in Tennessee! I realized that all too often I forget that every drop of rain and every blade of grass that is touched by the sunlight is a part of GOD'S creation. God is an absolutely amazing artist, y'all!
 He made me with this strange fascination for storms (which my dad encouraged by showing me how cool lightning really is). I love the sound of rain on my window, the refreshing feel of the rain on my skin, and the patterns the lighting creates in the sky while it gives off a lot of light for a split second. It inspires in me a kind of wonder of how much power and beauty one thing can hold in itself. I love the way my window looks right after it stops raining and the water is just falling off and for a little while it looks like my windows were made way back when glass wasn't so perfect and everything seemed to have an unpurposeful beauty to itself. I love what happens when it is sunny but it is still raining. Rainbows don't have anything to do with this though. They are beautiful and I do like rainbows, but even more than that, I love how the sun makes the rain look like little diamonds dropped everywhere! It is so beautiful and it makes me want to be covered in those amazing liquid diamonds.
God has given me a new love for His creation in people too. There is something so fascinating about kids that see the world in a totally different way. I take care of special needs kids often. They are so amazing. These kids speak a different language than we do. They also have the ability to love unconditionally, which most of us are without. They see your face and light up because they know that you are there for them. I am so thankful that God created these special kids and that He placed an overwhelming passion and love for in my heart. They are actually a part of my heart that can never be taken away.
There was one evening this past week when I was waking down the street and I started singing "The Maker" by Chris August. The first verse and chorus go like this: "I see You in the sunrise. I see You in the rain. I see You in the laughter. I feel You through the pain. Everything that You have made is beautiful. Oh my God, I can't believe my eyes. And in all of this to think that You would think of me makes my heart come alive. Your love is like a mighty fire deep inside my bones. I feel like I could climb a thousand mountains all at once. And I never have to wonder if somebody cares for me. I love the Maker and the Maker loves me." It is a reminder that God is an artist, but that He deeply loves us. It is a reminder that we should NEVER lose our love or fascination for His creation. I am always intrigued by the creativity that God displays in His creation and He is so attentive to detail. Take a look at a couple of different flowers and you will see how God specifically plans how many petals each one will have. Take a look at the next sunset and notice how many different colors and hues God uses in it. Also, take notice  of how no two sunsets or snowflakes are the same. Y'all I pray that, even if it is the only thing you see God's hand in, you will be awestruck by His handiwork. Learn to LOVE creation. So many of God's attributes are reflected in it. Creation is certainly something that we should be awestruck by!