NOT Your Basic College Post

There are so many things I could say about my college experience thus far. I could talk about how much I love the whole college experience. I could give you a top ten list of why you should still stay connected to and friends with your former roommate, but I am not going to talk about that. Yes, I am going to talk about Bryan College. But instead of it being about the school, my experience here, or any of the typical things you find in a college blog post, I am going to discuss the location of Bryan.

Now, anyone who is reading this who has ever even just visited Bryan knows that it is set atop a hill, in the midst of mountains and in a beautiful spot in quaint Dayton, Tennessee. The view is always great, and the sunsets are magnificent. I cannot convey how spectacularly Bryan was placed where it is.

On my first day of classes here, I took a break to walk down my hall. Now, I live in the top floor of my building. Out the front window of the hall, there is the triangle. The view out the back window is quite different, though. So, as I was looking at the rolling Tennessee hills out the back window I spotted a house, just a single house, situated perfectly on one of the hills, almost as if the hill had been built around the home. Then, my musings turned to Bryan and how we say we are on the hill, quite literally. And I thought of the words of Jesus: "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden." 

Never could a verse be more perfect for Bryan College. This school is a small city, and as Christians, we are all individually called to be lights in this world. Bryan College is a unique and special place to be. We have the unique opportunity to form and solidify our beliefs and theology, all while we are learning more and more about it day by day. We have the opportunity to learn in a place where God is glorified in the things the professors teach. Bryan college gives us a safe place to grow and learn.

Bryan also gives us the opportunity to reach out into the community we have been placed in. We get the chance to be the light in Dayton, Rhea County, and surrounding areas. On campus, we have a  group called PCI (Practical Christian Involvement). Through it, we are connected to various service opportunities and able to participate in things that interest us, but are also compelled to be a light to the community God has put us in.
I believe God put Bryan on a hill in Dayton, Tennessee for a reason. I believe God desires to be glorified through this school and I know he wants us to shine His light in Dayton. So, as I enter into the new school year, it was quite revealing that God called Bryan's location to my attention and quite convicting to realize that this community needs God.

The Honest One

Author's Note: I don't want to post this. I know it will be freeing, but I'm also terrified to have the secrets I have only shared with a select few out in the open. I only hope that God will allow this to touch at least one person. That would make it worth it to me. Just know that this is in no way meant to condemn or ask for sympathy. I'm simply being honest with all of you. If you have any questions about what I've shared or why I've said something, feel free to ask. This is one post I especially do not want anyone to be confused about.

One of my friends recently reminded me that we have to be totally vulnerable in order to be completely healed. Now, I'm not saying that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good thing. In fact, I think that is a fairly foolish thing to do, but we do have to learn to open up more about the things we struggle with. It is so freeing. I recently opened up to another friend, whom I have never been really close to, and the sense of acceptance and love I felt from her was freeing, but was also extremely healing. I always think that people are going to judge me when I open up, but there was no judgement from her, only acknowledgement that we all struggle with lots of different things, and most of us have habitual sins that we struggle with on a daily basis.

I  am so incredibly good about sharing things that I am learning and that I am succeeding with, but things that I struggle with is a totally different story. I tend to shut down and ignore people when they try to get me to open up about things. On one hand, I know that people struggle with habitual sins just like I do. But on the other hand, I always feel like my sins are worse, and I feel like a failure because I'm not able to conquer them. I feel guilt and shame just thinking about them. I hate to admit to things that I feel like I will never be able to change, because it makes me admit to not having the control or the strength to change it.

When I begin to feel weak, I realize that I am forgetting that I have the Almighty God of the Universe on my side, and He gives me the strength to defeat the things that I cannot conquer on my own. The only issue is that one of the things I struggle with is my pride, and so often my pride tells me that my worth and self-esteem comes from being able to handle things on my own. But, God tells me that my worth  and self-esteem is found in the identity He has bestowed upon me, through His son. Jesus, when He gave His life on the cross, made it possible for me to become a child of the One, True God. This makes my pride insignificant and unnecessary,because it is impossible for me to be anything but humble when I stop to think of all that God has done for me and how He is changing me. My pride is also rendered useless because God did not create us to walk through trials and fights on our own. He has called us to let Him win battles for us since the war is already won. How amazing is it that God stands between us and the enemy of our souls and tells Satan that he can't have us, because we already belong to God? 

Another thing I struggle with is my imagination. Don't get me wrong. Imagination is a wonderful gift from God, and as image-bearers, our imagination is meant to reflect God's creativity. It becomes sin when I allow it to become more important than God and when I allow it to pull me away from God and what He wants from me. Now, I have gotten better, by the grace of God, but I too often still go to live in my head, especially now that I am not at Bryan. I think the main reason it is a sin in my life is because I often use it to create a different life for myself. In short, I am basically telling God that I am not happy with the life He has given me or His plans for my life. It is a fine line to walk, though, because I know that God has a plan for the ability He has given me to dream up something from next to nothing.

The truth is always the best way to go, because it sets you free. Being open and honest about our struggles with brothers and sisters in Christ is healing. And if it's the right person, they will help you to overcome, not condemn you, just as Christ did.

From Lonely to Learning

About a month and a half ago, I returned to my former life in Knoxville. I'm a workaholic again. I'm living under my parents' roof again. And, I have to actually leave more than five minutes before I have to be somewhere and I have to use my car to get there. Let me explain. Campus life changes you. You get into the routine of going to class, doing schoolwork, and hanging out with friends. You take up most of your free time with friends. You don't have to run everything by your parents and tell them when you'll be gone and when you'll be home. And on a small campus, you can get anywhere on campus in five minutes or less and by walking.
But the biggest part of my routine on campus was the friends. Day in and day out, I was doing life with these people, even on the days I didn't want to. I would walk through my day with them. Eat with them, talk with them, live with them. There were days I wanted to hide myself and my life from them, but there was always someone to uncover what I was trying to hide and I could not be more thankful for it. There were days that threatened to tear me apart, but they never let that happen. They were as faithful as friends could be, and I am so glad that God blessed me with them.
I suppose I could have written that all in the present tense, because they still do the same things. The only problem is that they are doing in long distance now, and I feel as if the most vital part of my routine is missing now that I am away from these people who became my family. I used to talk with them all multiple times a day, everyday, and that just doesn't happen now. Every time I think about them, even right now just writing this, I get an aching feeling in my heart and I desire to be back there again, doing life with these precious gifts from God.
The thing is that I have been okay without them. Sure, I would much rather be with them than away from them, but when I make myself busy, I barely notice that they are not here all the time. It is only when I stop and think about them that I realize how much I truly miss them and how much I long to be with each and every one of them. So, I don't allow myself to have free-time. I fill all my waking hours with work, television, or books. I spend my days distracting myself, so that I don't feel the pain of not being with the friends who know more about me than anyone else in the world.
The problem with work is that it wears me out and breaks me down. It absolutely exhausts me, and sometimes it really frustrates me. I feel like I can't let it all out either. I can barely keep it together some days. I've lost the support system I had and the friends that held me up to keep me from crumbling under the weight of the stress. Now, that that is gone, I feel like caving in on myself way more often than I should.
So, I turn to television. It allows me to get absorbed in a new place, so I forget about what is going on around me. I use it to take my attention away from all the things in my life that cause me stress and pain. I simply decide to ignore my own problems and get caught up in someone else's problems instead, because everyone loves a good show filled with drama.
Then, I get bored with most of the shows I watch. Plus, I find it hard to completely block out my world when I'm watching a screen. But, reading a good book is an entirely different story. I've learned since my early teenage years to block out everything except for one person's beautifully strung together words on these simple but wonderful pages of a book. I don't know how, but authors have found a way to transport me to another dimension simply by putting funny, squigly lines on a page. It truly is magical, so reading really is the best distraction there is for me.
But, what happens when I've worn out all other options and all I'm left with is my thoughts? My mind tends to go to one of two places: 1) All the useless song lyrics I have stored up there or 2) My friends. Most of the time, my friends win out. I miss them fiercely sometimes, and the ache comes back once again when I start to think about what makes each and every one of them so special and needed in my life.
Then, as it always happens with me, I hear a little voice in the back of my head. It tells me to evaluate my friendships. I hate the feeling I get when I do this, because I know that the little voice is trying to convict me of not relying on God as my sufficiency. Now, these friends are a gift and wonderful blessing from God, but I know I tend to put my relationships with them above my relationship with God. It always hits me hard, because I love these people, and they're not pulling me away from God. The problem is that I need to be able to say that I lack nothing if God is the only thing I have. No home. No food. No friends! I don't think I could say that.
That means that friends have become too important to me. Does that mean I should abandon my friendships or try to become more distant with them? Of course not. It simply means that I should be focusing my energy more on God in this season of lacking in my life. I want to get to a point where it would hurt, but I could go on, if each and every one of my friends was taken from me today. I want God to be the only thing I will ever need in this life. And if He chooses to bless me with incredible friends, then I will thank Him for them daily, just as I do now.

When the Lights Go Down for the Last Time

There is something about how every actor feels when they leave the stage on the last night of the play. After the curtain call and after the lights go down and the curtain closes for the last time for a certain show, there is a heaviness that fills your heart, but a lightness that fills the air. You start tearing down the set and you work hard for a couple of hours and suddenly, the set is nonexistent. The stage is empty and all that is left are the cast members that have become your family in just a few short months. Some of them, you've just gotten to know better. Some of them, you may have never known if you weren't in the play together. Then, you go out and celebrate, because it really was a great show and it was an amazing run for everyone.
Then, the next night rolls around. For the past three nights, you've walked down to the auditorium at about 6:30 to get your costume on and get ready to perform the show. You glance at the time on your computer screen. It says 6:40. Then, it truly hits you. You really are done performing the show that you worked on for months and all that is left of the show are the memories and friendships you made along the way. It is a bittersweet feeling and you want to cry and be thankful at the same time.
There are no words that exist to express how thankful I am to have been a part of Oklahoma, but there are also few words to describe the pain in my chest when I think about the fact that I truly am done with being on stage until next semester.
Being in Oklahoma gave me the chance to rediscover my love for theatre, but it also made me rediscover the sadness that covers me when I will no longer step onto the stage as a certain character again, even if that character is only a nameless farmer's daughter. Every character is a cherished, dear friend and I will see her from time to time, but she will never fully reappear ever again. I fear that there are some parts of each character that fade away at the end of every show, never to be seen again. I reflect on the time I've had being in every show I've been in, but I never cultivated deep friendships in any of the others, and I have never missed a show as much as I continue to miss Oklahoma.
I think part of it is that fact that we had three veteran actors that will be leaving in just a few short weeks. I watched as the curtain closed for the very last time on these three actors and that was heart wrenching. (Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew, you will be missed by many on this campus and in the theatre.) But, there is a light, because even as good goes, good usually comes. True, I do not think I will ever forget those three, but we also still have talented people at the school, and I know of at least one phenomenal actor coming next year. So, even though Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew will remain irreplaceable, there is a small light at the end of the tunnel. To those seniors who were in the show and are now moving on and to those who are coming into Bryan and want to perform, "There's a bright golden haze on the meadow. There's a bright golden haze on the meadow... [Your dreams are as high as the clouds going by] and it looks like they're climbing clear up [through] the sky."
What else now is there to say but thank you? Thank you to those in the show that made me feel accepted and loved (you know who you are). Thank you to the seniors who gave their all for one last time on the stage. And thank you to anyone who was a part of this production in any way. I am so glad that I was able to rediscover a part of myself that really missed being able to shine. So, until next time, "We're only saying, 'You're doin fine Oklahoma.' Oklahoma. O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A. Oklahoma. Yeow!"

With Him, I Lack Nothing

This week, in my journal, I began to write about things that can combat my negative core beliefs, but instead of combating the already existing beliefs, I decided to create a new, positive one. Here is what is written in my journal: "God loves me unconditionally as one who is redeemed by the blood of His precious son, and as long as He sees me as worthy and calls me His beloved, I will be lacking nothing." 

The issue is that, for most of us, this isn't even close to the truth. We think that we can make God our everything, but when we really think about what that would mean, we change our minds. It would mean losing all of our possessions, most of our clothing, our money, our family, our friends, everything that we ever held dear except for Jesus. Would you really be okay with God being everything then? Or would you wish you had at least some of that stuff back?

Hey, I'm the same way. If I'm honest, I would not be okay with losing everything today. I would not be able to say that God is still good, and that I still had all I needed. God would not be enough for me. And I don't want to be that way anymore. I want God to be enough for me. I want everything in this world to pale so much in comparison to God that I don't even notice when it's gone. The trouble is that, as feeble-minded people, we too quickly get distracted from keeping our eyes on the Lord.

Even Peter, who literally saw Jesus in front of him and was walking towards Jesus, got distracted by the waves. Sometimes, I am Peter, set on the Lord and walking towards Him step-by-step. Then, the worries and deadlines of this world start to creep up on me and splash me left and right. The winds of adversity whistle through the air and almost sweep me off my feet. That is when I begin to take my eyes off of the Lord. I go through times of intense pain, stress, and anxiety and I get distracted from following after Jesus. I take my eyes off of the only man who can save me when I begin to drown in everything this world throws at me.Then, a miraculous thing happens for me, just as it happened for Peter. As I begin to sink further and further down, Jesus stretches out his hand and takes me out of the clutches of everything this world throws at me. 

I think that we have a hard time seeing ourselves as lovable, so we cannot wrap our small brains around God's huge plan for redemption. We cannot love in the same way that God can, so we cannot understand how He gave up everything for us who had turned against Him. It makes no sense, but that is part of the mystery of grace. I think once we realize that we have grace and mercy daily, we begin to accept the love of God. And when we see that He loves us so much more than any other person or being could, we realize that He would never hurt us if it wasn't for our own good.

Believe me, I know it is hard when everyday feels like a constant struggle against the waves and the wind. But, we have a God who can walk on water, invites you to walk on top of the waves with Him, and will always save you when you inevitably take your eyes off of Him. Therefore, you can trust that if you were left with nothing but God right now today, you would still lack nothing.

Psalm 37:4: Delighting in Him

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." But most of the time, we take this verse out of context of who we know God to be. And often we act in a fake manner, thinking we can fool the God who sees our hearts. We take this verse to mean that if we spend some time with God daily and we at least LOOK like we're doing the work of God, then we will get exactly what we want, like that huge pay raise or that new car or even a significant other. We think that God can't see our real motives behind what we do, but God sees everything.
One thing I found when I began delighting myself in the Lord for the sheer purpose of delighting in Him was that HE WAS the desire of my heart all along. We have a God- sized hole in our hearts, every single one of us, and only the one true God of the universe can fill it. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially when I look at how fickle the flesh-filled desires of my heart truly are. I change my mind about what I want all the time, and the desires that are manifested in my heart are no different. I'm learning that once we truly, fervently seek the Lord and are filled with delight when we are at His feet, then He BECOMES the one true desire of our hearts. After we get the chance to bask in His glory and enter into intimate relationship with Him, we have a longing to pursue Him. It's no longer a chore or an inconvenience to read His word, pray, and listen. Those are times of joy and peace for us. They become a source of life and comfort in our otherwise chaotic lives.
I have discovered that when a desire for God and His best floods your heart, little else matters. Yes, there are desires that take a long time to go away and scars that take a long time to heal. But, the glory of God seems to outshine and overpower these other things, tenfold. For a long time now, I have struggled with God about His plans for my future, mostly because I cannot see where He is leading me. I feel like I'm being led around while blind-folded, all the while trying to convince myself that it is all okay because God is the one leading me. He has led me, in the past couple of weeks to: 1) Say no to dating for as long as He says. 2) Open up my heart completely about habitual sins to a few women who I am in contact with everyday. 3) Give into surrendering everything to Him each and every day. 4) Learn to trust His following no matter where He leads me. And finally, 5) Get so lost in Him that nothing else really matters to me, except what HE wants me to focus on.
I will be the first person to tell you that I am extremely grateful for God calling my heart to these things, but that is a lot, and that first one is the one that Satan keeps bringing up in hopes of ruining my resolve to follow God in whatever He calls me to. Satan asks me the same type of question he asked Eve. He asks me, "Was is really God that asked you to give up dating or did you just THINK that that was what God said?" My mind tells me that I should consider the question and ponder it, but the one way I know that it was God is that it was NOT what I wanted to hear. Oh man, that was the one thing I did NOT want to give to God. It's not like I'm dating anyone, but I didn't want to give up the longing of a relationship to God. That was always something I kept near and dear to my heart, and that is exactly why I had to give it up.
My desire for a relationship, since September, had left little room in my heart for a desire for God. I felt spiritually dry and exhausted... because I didn't have enough Jesus in my life, and I had way too much boys. Don't get me wrong. Dating is not bad. It just isn't in God's plan for me right now. God wants me to find the answer to all my questions and the fulfillment of all my desires in Him before I start dating someone else. I have to be secure in my relationship with God before I will ever be secure in an earthly relationship.
That is why I am learning that God was the desire of my heart all along. He is the only one who can fulfill all my desires and He is the only one who completely satisfies me. So, next time you read Psalm 37:4, look at it a little different. Truly delight yourself in God and see if maybe the desire of YOUR heart was Him all along too.

I want to leave you with these lyrics that have helped me to see that God is at work, especially in this season of singleness for me: "So, Father I will place this in Your hands. You know me and all my crazy plans. Humbly I surrender this to You, so I'll keep dreaming. You'll keep coming through. I know You see what I don't see." - Jamie Grace