The Weight of Waiting

If you follow my blog posts at all, you will probably recall that the last one was about the blessings that God has bestowed on me, but recently, I seem to be stuck in a time of waiting again. Don't get me wrong. I am beyond thankful for all the Lord has given and what He continues to bless me with day in and day out, like breath in my lungs and mercy for my mistakes. But, I find myself in the painful waiting for what will come next. I have an idea of what I want that to be, too, but I know that God's plans are often vastly different from my own. To be frank, that fact scares me... a lot. I have a pretty good idea of what MY perfect life would look like, but somehow I get the feeling that "the perfect life" is not what God has planned for me. 
It is sometimes very painful to wait, but I think that is because of our sin nature. Pride and the satisfaction-driven society we live in leave no room for patience, not even with an all-knowing God who has our best interest at heart. We forget that God is not bound by time. Rather, He is bound by His love for us and bound by His own character. He does not function the way we do, yet He understands the pain we feel when we are made to wait. He sees the pain yet keeps us in waiting. The only two possible ways to view this are that God is either unloving or He knows that the wait will ultimately be what is best for us. I choose to believe the latter, because I have no hope otherwise. I also choose to believe it because I have seen what God does through waiting, what He prepares people for through waiting, and what He changes in people through waiting, whether it be desires, focus, or character. And, it is always so much better on the other side. Many times, while waiting for things to come into my life or events to take place, God has changed all three things in me. He increases my desire for Him and decreases my desire for the thing I am waiting on. He shows me that when my focus is on Him, I don't feel the sting of the waiting so much, because I would rather be chasing after my beautiful God than anything else. And He has changed my character by teaching me humility and patience. Those two things do not come naturally to me, so God has chosen to teach them to me through waiting, and I am still continuing to learn the lesson even now. 
There is another thing I have acquired through my times of waiting and that is a deeper understanding of and love for God Himself. God chooses to reveal Himself in some incredible ways at times. He has shown me His great compassion, patience, and faithfulness through my seasons of waiting. He comforts me, because even though He is God, He still sees the hurt and pain of one of His children when I don't understand what He is doing. He gives me a heart that understands that waiting is best when He is the one who is causing the wait. And, even when I turn my back on Him because I am tired of waiting, He remains faithful in His promises to me. He sticks with me through it all and still delights to bless me with the desires of my heart in His time.
One of my favorite songs is Take Courage by Kristene Dimarco. The chorus goes like this: "Take courage, my heart. Stay steadfast, my soul. He's in the waiting. He's in the waiting. Hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds. He's never failing. He's never failing." God is found in our time of waiting. He is the one behind it, and even when we cannot see, He sees and comprehends all. He understands that we feel pain, that our hearts yearn for more, but He also understands that our hearts will always continue to yearn for more until we allow Him to completely satisfy us and fill us with HIS love. No earthly affection, despite the amount, will ever be able to fill the God sized hole we all have in our hearts. 
So, yes, my seasons of waiting hurt. My heart longs, but I am slowly allowing God to change that. I think, as long as I am here on earth, I will continue to feel the ache when I am made to wait. But I believe that each time, I will come out of my seasons of waiting understanding God better and changed to look more like Him. While I would love to ask God to put an end to my season of waiting and give me what I long for, I am instead going to ask Him to fill my heart with Himself and be content with where He has me at the moment. I will trust in Him and I choose to believe that "[He] who holds the stars, who calls them each by name will surely keep [His] promise to me."

Wait for the Lord; 

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord!

{Psalm 27:14}

Spontaneity, Anxiousness, Joy, and Nearness to God

So, in the past month, I have been filled with more spontaneous urges, anxious feelings, heartfelt rejoicing, and genuine desire to be nearer to God than I ever have been before.
First of all, the spontaneous urges were translated into action twice. My first was to audition for little duo scenes that a directing class was doing. It was not a big deal, but I truly love acting and really thoroughly enjoyed the auditions. I was very surprised when I went the next day to look at the cast list and saw my name under one of the play names. Now, we haven't yet gotten into rehearsals as I am writing this post, but I could  not be more thrilled to finally know that I will soon again be memorizing lines and rehearsing. I have sorely missed it, and I think God understood that and decided to bless my decision to audition with a part in one of the scenes. The other decision I made was to apply for Bryan College's Worldview Initiative. This was not exactly a spontaneous process and I prayed a lot, but the decision to do it was spontaneous. I still have not heard anything back, but I have hope. The reason I am sharing this with you all is because God taught me a lesson through both things. He showed me that as long as I take the first steps towards obedience or even something I just want to do for enjoyment, He will take care of the rest. We do our best, we obey His leading, we can even strive towards something we want, but we ultimately let Him make the final decision. I could not make anyone pick me for the scenes and I cannot make the Worldview Initiative call me in for an interview. I am leaving those decisions up to God. So, if I get called in for an interview, I will do my best and give it to God. He is ultimately the one who will decide anyway, so I might as well surrender the situations to God instead of worrying.
Second, the anxious feelings have been a part of it all. Even when surrendered to God, I have been anxious about both aforementioned things, but mostly the Worldview Initiative. Although I do feel it is more of an excited anxiousness about it, I still know that there is a part of me that is apprehensive. I believe that is because I know being a part of the team is going to push me beyond my comfort zone. I also know that being rejected is going to hurt. It is not going to kill me and I know that it will be a part of God's plan, but it still will not feel good. I am learning that anxiousness is not always bad, and that the anxiousness that comes from fear must be surrendered to my loving Father who is always ready to fill me with His peace that surpasses any understanding.
My heartfelt rejoicing has come through many things this semester so far. First, my friend was asked out by a guy she has liked for a while. God blessed her for her obedience to Him and it could not have made me happier. My heart was genuinely filled with such joy for her and the love that God was displaying for her through blessing her. It also came when God decided to bless me with a part in one of the scenes. It came when He showed me that a guy is not a part of His plan for me right now, and that is okay. It's actually so much better than okay. It is a chance for me to completely experience the love of God in my life when nothing else is taking up space in my heart other than Him. I have also experienced it in little things such as singing with a homeless veteran on the streets of downtown Chattanooga and praying with two complete strangers who offered to pray for us. I have experienced rejoicing in my heart through things God has shown me, through Him blessing me, and through Him blessing others. I do not think this is temporary either, because I truly believe, as one of my other friends does, that God is truly changing me and filling my heart with joy.
The genuine desire to be nearer to God mostly comes through what I described in the last paragraph. I just want to get closer to the source of all my love, joy, hope, compassion, peace, and affirmation. I am in one of those places in my life where I am realizing just how much I need God and how much I truly desire Him. I desire to just be near my Creator and love Him with all my heart. I desire to not move away from what He has been doing in my life, but to accept it with arms wide open and let Him work in me and shape me into what He wants me to be. I know that I will continue to sin and turn away from God, but I truly hope and pray that my nearness will prompt my heart to turn back to Him the moment I can no longer see Him and His glory. I truly hope that the darkness will disgust me and make me crave His light and the spreading of His light even more.
I never intended to share most of the stuff in this post, but God has just been too incredibly good to me. I had to share it with you all. God rewards faithfulness, and He also decides to bless His children even if they have not been completely faithful. I fall into the latter category, but I still try to be faithful to God in all I do. Just remember to seek after His desires and not your own. Dear friend, I ask that you would consciously try to keep your eyes on the Master so that the distractions of this world and your own desires would not pull you away from the amazing plan that out Father has in store for you.

NOT Your Basic College Post

There are so many things I could say about my college experience thus far. I could talk about how much I love the whole college experience. I could give you a top ten list of why you should still stay connected to and friends with your former roommate, but I am not going to talk about that. Yes, I am going to talk about Bryan College. But instead of it being about the school, my experience here, or any of the typical things you find in a college blog post, I am going to discuss the location of Bryan.

Now, anyone who is reading this who has ever even just visited Bryan knows that it is set atop a hill, in the midst of mountains and in a beautiful spot in quaint Dayton, Tennessee. The view is always great, and the sunsets are magnificent. I cannot convey how spectacularly Bryan was placed where it is.

On my first day of classes here, I took a break to walk down my hall. Now, I live in the top floor of my building. Out the front window of the hall, there is the triangle. The view out the back window is quite different, though. So, as I was looking at the rolling Tennessee hills out the back window I spotted a house, just a single house, situated perfectly on one of the hills, almost as if the hill had been built around the home. Then, my musings turned to Bryan and how we say we are on the hill, quite literally. And I thought of the words of Jesus: "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden." 

Never could a verse be more perfect for Bryan College. This school is a small city, and as Christians, we are all individually called to be lights in this world. Bryan College is a unique and special place to be. We have the unique opportunity to form and solidify our beliefs and theology, all while we are learning more and more about it day by day. We have the opportunity to learn in a place where God is glorified in the things the professors teach. Bryan college gives us a safe place to grow and learn.

Bryan also gives us the opportunity to reach out into the community we have been placed in. We get the chance to be the light in Dayton, Rhea County, and surrounding areas. On campus, we have a  group called PCI (Practical Christian Involvement). Through it, we are connected to various service opportunities and able to participate in things that interest us, but are also compelled to be a light to the community God has put us in.
I believe God put Bryan on a hill in Dayton, Tennessee for a reason. I believe God desires to be glorified through this school and I know he wants us to shine His light in Dayton. So, as I enter into the new school year, it was quite revealing that God called Bryan's location to my attention and quite convicting to realize that this community needs God.

The Honest One

Author's Note: I don't want to post this. I know it will be freeing, but I'm also terrified to have the secrets I have only shared with a select few out in the open. I only hope that God will allow this to touch at least one person. That would make it worth it to me. Just know that this is in no way meant to condemn or ask for sympathy. I'm simply being honest with all of you. If you have any questions about what I've shared or why I've said something, feel free to ask. This is one post I especially do not want anyone to be confused about.

One of my friends recently reminded me that we have to be totally vulnerable in order to be completely healed. Now, I'm not saying that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good thing. In fact, I think that is a fairly foolish thing to do, but we do have to learn to open up more about the things we struggle with. It is so freeing. I recently opened up to another friend, whom I have never been really close to, and the sense of acceptance and love I felt from her was freeing, but was also extremely healing. I always think that people are going to judge me when I open up, but there was no judgement from her, only acknowledgement that we all struggle with lots of different things, and most of us have habitual sins that we struggle with on a daily basis.

I  am so incredibly good about sharing things that I am learning and that I am succeeding with, but things that I struggle with is a totally different story. I tend to shut down and ignore people when they try to get me to open up about things. On one hand, I know that people struggle with habitual sins just like I do. But on the other hand, I always feel like my sins are worse, and I feel like a failure because I'm not able to conquer them. I feel guilt and shame just thinking about them. I hate to admit to things that I feel like I will never be able to change, because it makes me admit to not having the control or the strength to change it.

When I begin to feel weak, I realize that I am forgetting that I have the Almighty God of the Universe on my side, and He gives me the strength to defeat the things that I cannot conquer on my own. The only issue is that one of the things I struggle with is my pride, and so often my pride tells me that my worth and self-esteem comes from being able to handle things on my own. But, God tells me that my worth  and self-esteem is found in the identity He has bestowed upon me, through His son. Jesus, when He gave His life on the cross, made it possible for me to become a child of the One, True God. This makes my pride insignificant and unnecessary,because it is impossible for me to be anything but humble when I stop to think of all that God has done for me and how He is changing me. My pride is also rendered useless because God did not create us to walk through trials and fights on our own. He has called us to let Him win battles for us since the war is already won. How amazing is it that God stands between us and the enemy of our souls and tells Satan that he can't have us, because we already belong to God? 

Another thing I struggle with is my imagination. Don't get me wrong. Imagination is a wonderful gift from God, and as image-bearers, our imagination is meant to reflect God's creativity. It becomes sin when I allow it to become more important than God and when I allow it to pull me away from God and what He wants from me. Now, I have gotten better, by the grace of God, but I too often still go to live in my head, especially now that I am not at Bryan. I think the main reason it is a sin in my life is because I often use it to create a different life for myself. In short, I am basically telling God that I am not happy with the life He has given me or His plans for my life. It is a fine line to walk, though, because I know that God has a plan for the ability He has given me to dream up something from next to nothing.

The truth is always the best way to go, because it sets you free. Being open and honest about our struggles with brothers and sisters in Christ is healing. And if it's the right person, they will help you to overcome, not condemn you, just as Christ did.

From Lonely to Learning

About a month and a half ago, I returned to my former life in Knoxville. I'm a workaholic again. I'm living under my parents' roof again. And, I have to actually leave more than five minutes before I have to be somewhere and I have to use my car to get there. Let me explain. Campus life changes you. You get into the routine of going to class, doing schoolwork, and hanging out with friends. You take up most of your free time with friends. You don't have to run everything by your parents and tell them when you'll be gone and when you'll be home. And on a small campus, you can get anywhere on campus in five minutes or less and by walking.
But the biggest part of my routine on campus was the friends. Day in and day out, I was doing life with these people, even on the days I didn't want to. I would walk through my day with them. Eat with them, talk with them, live with them. There were days I wanted to hide myself and my life from them, but there was always someone to uncover what I was trying to hide and I could not be more thankful for it. There were days that threatened to tear me apart, but they never let that happen. They were as faithful as friends could be, and I am so glad that God blessed me with them.
I suppose I could have written that all in the present tense, because they still do the same things. The only problem is that they are doing in long distance now, and I feel as if the most vital part of my routine is missing now that I am away from these people who became my family. I used to talk with them all multiple times a day, everyday, and that just doesn't happen now. Every time I think about them, even right now just writing this, I get an aching feeling in my heart and I desire to be back there again, doing life with these precious gifts from God.
The thing is that I have been okay without them. Sure, I would much rather be with them than away from them, but when I make myself busy, I barely notice that they are not here all the time. It is only when I stop and think about them that I realize how much I truly miss them and how much I long to be with each and every one of them. So, I don't allow myself to have free-time. I fill all my waking hours with work, television, or books. I spend my days distracting myself, so that I don't feel the pain of not being with the friends who know more about me than anyone else in the world.
The problem with work is that it wears me out and breaks me down. It absolutely exhausts me, and sometimes it really frustrates me. I feel like I can't let it all out either. I can barely keep it together some days. I've lost the support system I had and the friends that held me up to keep me from crumbling under the weight of the stress. Now, that that is gone, I feel like caving in on myself way more often than I should.
So, I turn to television. It allows me to get absorbed in a new place, so I forget about what is going on around me. I use it to take my attention away from all the things in my life that cause me stress and pain. I simply decide to ignore my own problems and get caught up in someone else's problems instead, because everyone loves a good show filled with drama.
Then, I get bored with most of the shows I watch. Plus, I find it hard to completely block out my world when I'm watching a screen. But, reading a good book is an entirely different story. I've learned since my early teenage years to block out everything except for one person's beautifully strung together words on these simple but wonderful pages of a book. I don't know how, but authors have found a way to transport me to another dimension simply by putting funny, squigly lines on a page. It truly is magical, so reading really is the best distraction there is for me.
But, what happens when I've worn out all other options and all I'm left with is my thoughts? My mind tends to go to one of two places: 1) All the useless song lyrics I have stored up there or 2) My friends. Most of the time, my friends win out. I miss them fiercely sometimes, and the ache comes back once again when I start to think about what makes each and every one of them so special and needed in my life.
Then, as it always happens with me, I hear a little voice in the back of my head. It tells me to evaluate my friendships. I hate the feeling I get when I do this, because I know that the little voice is trying to convict me of not relying on God as my sufficiency. Now, these friends are a gift and wonderful blessing from God, but I know I tend to put my relationships with them above my relationship with God. It always hits me hard, because I love these people, and they're not pulling me away from God. The problem is that I need to be able to say that I lack nothing if God is the only thing I have. No home. No food. No friends! I don't think I could say that.
That means that friends have become too important to me. Does that mean I should abandon my friendships or try to become more distant with them? Of course not. It simply means that I should be focusing my energy more on God in this season of lacking in my life. I want to get to a point where it would hurt, but I could go on, if each and every one of my friends was taken from me today. I want God to be the only thing I will ever need in this life. And if He chooses to bless me with incredible friends, then I will thank Him for them daily, just as I do now.

When the Lights Go Down for the Last Time

There is something about how every actor feels when they leave the stage on the last night of the play. After the curtain call and after the lights go down and the curtain closes for the last time for a certain show, there is a heaviness that fills your heart, but a lightness that fills the air. You start tearing down the set and you work hard for a couple of hours and suddenly, the set is nonexistent. The stage is empty and all that is left are the cast members that have become your family in just a few short months. Some of them, you've just gotten to know better. Some of them, you may have never known if you weren't in the play together. Then, you go out and celebrate, because it really was a great show and it was an amazing run for everyone.
Then, the next night rolls around. For the past three nights, you've walked down to the auditorium at about 6:30 to get your costume on and get ready to perform the show. You glance at the time on your computer screen. It says 6:40. Then, it truly hits you. You really are done performing the show that you worked on for months and all that is left of the show are the memories and friendships you made along the way. It is a bittersweet feeling and you want to cry and be thankful at the same time.
There are no words that exist to express how thankful I am to have been a part of Oklahoma, but there are also few words to describe the pain in my chest when I think about the fact that I truly am done with being on stage until next semester.
Being in Oklahoma gave me the chance to rediscover my love for theatre, but it also made me rediscover the sadness that covers me when I will no longer step onto the stage as a certain character again, even if that character is only a nameless farmer's daughter. Every character is a cherished, dear friend and I will see her from time to time, but she will never fully reappear ever again. I fear that there are some parts of each character that fade away at the end of every show, never to be seen again. I reflect on the time I've had being in every show I've been in, but I never cultivated deep friendships in any of the others, and I have never missed a show as much as I continue to miss Oklahoma.
I think part of it is that fact that we had three veteran actors that will be leaving in just a few short weeks. I watched as the curtain closed for the very last time on these three actors and that was heart wrenching. (Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew, you will be missed by many on this campus and in the theatre.) But, there is a light, because even as good goes, good usually comes. True, I do not think I will ever forget those three, but we also still have talented people at the school, and I know of at least one phenomenal actor coming next year. So, even though Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew will remain irreplaceable, there is a small light at the end of the tunnel. To those seniors who were in the show and are now moving on and to those who are coming into Bryan and want to perform, "There's a bright golden haze on the meadow. There's a bright golden haze on the meadow... [Your dreams are as high as the clouds going by] and it looks like they're climbing clear up [through] the sky."
What else now is there to say but thank you? Thank you to those in the show that made me feel accepted and loved (you know who you are). Thank you to the seniors who gave their all for one last time on the stage. And thank you to anyone who was a part of this production in any way. I am so glad that I was able to rediscover a part of myself that really missed being able to shine. So, until next time, "We're only saying, 'You're doin fine Oklahoma.' Oklahoma. O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A. Oklahoma. Yeow!"

With Him, I Lack Nothing

This week, in my journal, I began to write about things that can combat my negative core beliefs, but instead of combating the already existing beliefs, I decided to create a new, positive one. Here is what is written in my journal: "God loves me unconditionally as one who is redeemed by the blood of His precious son, and as long as He sees me as worthy and calls me His beloved, I will be lacking nothing." 

The issue is that, for most of us, this isn't even close to the truth. We think that we can make God our everything, but when we really think about what that would mean, we change our minds. It would mean losing all of our possessions, most of our clothing, our money, our family, our friends, everything that we ever held dear except for Jesus. Would you really be okay with God being everything then? Or would you wish you had at least some of that stuff back?

Hey, I'm the same way. If I'm honest, I would not be okay with losing everything today. I would not be able to say that God is still good, and that I still had all I needed. God would not be enough for me. And I don't want to be that way anymore. I want God to be enough for me. I want everything in this world to pale so much in comparison to God that I don't even notice when it's gone. The trouble is that, as feeble-minded people, we too quickly get distracted from keeping our eyes on the Lord.

Even Peter, who literally saw Jesus in front of him and was walking towards Jesus, got distracted by the waves. Sometimes, I am Peter, set on the Lord and walking towards Him step-by-step. Then, the worries and deadlines of this world start to creep up on me and splash me left and right. The winds of adversity whistle through the air and almost sweep me off my feet. That is when I begin to take my eyes off of the Lord. I go through times of intense pain, stress, and anxiety and I get distracted from following after Jesus. I take my eyes off of the only man who can save me when I begin to drown in everything this world throws at me.Then, a miraculous thing happens for me, just as it happened for Peter. As I begin to sink further and further down, Jesus stretches out his hand and takes me out of the clutches of everything this world throws at me. 

I think that we have a hard time seeing ourselves as lovable, so we cannot wrap our small brains around God's huge plan for redemption. We cannot love in the same way that God can, so we cannot understand how He gave up everything for us who had turned against Him. It makes no sense, but that is part of the mystery of grace. I think once we realize that we have grace and mercy daily, we begin to accept the love of God. And when we see that He loves us so much more than any other person or being could, we realize that He would never hurt us if it wasn't for our own good.

Believe me, I know it is hard when everyday feels like a constant struggle against the waves and the wind. But, we have a God who can walk on water, invites you to walk on top of the waves with Him, and will always save you when you inevitably take your eyes off of Him. Therefore, you can trust that if you were left with nothing but God right now today, you would still lack nothing.

Psalm 37:4: Delighting in Him

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." But most of the time, we take this verse out of context of who we know God to be. And often we act in a fake manner, thinking we can fool the God who sees our hearts. We take this verse to mean that if we spend some time with God daily and we at least LOOK like we're doing the work of God, then we will get exactly what we want, like that huge pay raise or that new car or even a significant other. We think that God can't see our real motives behind what we do, but God sees everything.
One thing I found when I began delighting myself in the Lord for the sheer purpose of delighting in Him was that HE WAS the desire of my heart all along. We have a God- sized hole in our hearts, every single one of us, and only the one true God of the universe can fill it. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially when I look at how fickle the flesh-filled desires of my heart truly are. I change my mind about what I want all the time, and the desires that are manifested in my heart are no different. I'm learning that once we truly, fervently seek the Lord and are filled with delight when we are at His feet, then He BECOMES the one true desire of our hearts. After we get the chance to bask in His glory and enter into intimate relationship with Him, we have a longing to pursue Him. It's no longer a chore or an inconvenience to read His word, pray, and listen. Those are times of joy and peace for us. They become a source of life and comfort in our otherwise chaotic lives.
I have discovered that when a desire for God and His best floods your heart, little else matters. Yes, there are desires that take a long time to go away and scars that take a long time to heal. But, the glory of God seems to outshine and overpower these other things, tenfold. For a long time now, I have struggled with God about His plans for my future, mostly because I cannot see where He is leading me. I feel like I'm being led around while blind-folded, all the while trying to convince myself that it is all okay because God is the one leading me. He has led me, in the past couple of weeks to: 1) Say no to dating for as long as He says. 2) Open up my heart completely about habitual sins to a few women who I am in contact with everyday. 3) Give into surrendering everything to Him each and every day. 4) Learn to trust His following no matter where He leads me. And finally, 5) Get so lost in Him that nothing else really matters to me, except what HE wants me to focus on.
I will be the first person to tell you that I am extremely grateful for God calling my heart to these things, but that is a lot, and that first one is the one that Satan keeps bringing up in hopes of ruining my resolve to follow God in whatever He calls me to. Satan asks me the same type of question he asked Eve. He asks me, "Was is really God that asked you to give up dating or did you just THINK that that was what God said?" My mind tells me that I should consider the question and ponder it, but the one way I know that it was God is that it was NOT what I wanted to hear. Oh man, that was the one thing I did NOT want to give to God. It's not like I'm dating anyone, but I didn't want to give up the longing of a relationship to God. That was always something I kept near and dear to my heart, and that is exactly why I had to give it up.
My desire for a relationship, since September, had left little room in my heart for a desire for God. I felt spiritually dry and exhausted... because I didn't have enough Jesus in my life, and I had way too much boys. Don't get me wrong. Dating is not bad. It just isn't in God's plan for me right now. God wants me to find the answer to all my questions and the fulfillment of all my desires in Him before I start dating someone else. I have to be secure in my relationship with God before I will ever be secure in an earthly relationship.
That is why I am learning that God was the desire of my heart all along. He is the only one who can fulfill all my desires and He is the only one who completely satisfies me. So, next time you read Psalm 37:4, look at it a little different. Truly delight yourself in God and see if maybe the desire of YOUR heart was Him all along too.

I want to leave you with these lyrics that have helped me to see that God is at work, especially in this season of singleness for me: "So, Father I will place this in Your hands. You know me and all my crazy plans. Humbly I surrender this to You, so I'll keep dreaming. You'll keep coming through. I know You see what I don't see." - Jamie Grace

Thoughts From in Front of a Fireplace

As we come to another Christmas, I reflect on Christmas past. I think of all the lovely memories, the family members that are no longer sitting with us in front of the fire, and the many things that have happened in between each and every Christmas. Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year because my love language is definitely gifts. I enjoy receiving gifts, but I love giving gifts even more. I cherish every gift and every memory that has been given to me during Christmastime.
The funny thing is that I have not really had the chance to let Christmas sink into and invade my heart and soul this time around. I have been so busy with my first semester of college (we didn't get out until the 18th) and worrying about a multitude of different things that I forgot to reflect on what Christmas means and how much it truly means to me, personally.
I have always had fantastic Christmases. When I was really little, we used to go down to Florida and spend Christmas with my grandparents down there. I never even knew what a white Christmas was. Then, when I was around 8 years old, they moved up to Tennessee, and so came my Aunt and Uncle when I was probably 12-14. Now, we spend Christmas Eve at my family's house and we exchange gifts with our extended family members. The next morning, we get up and open gifts from our immediate family, and oh how I cherish those Christmas mornings. We gather around a fire (which will not be necessary for our 70 degree Christmas this year), eat breakfast, read the story of our ultimate gift from God, and watch each other open the gifts we have selected. I feel like I imagine Mary felt when the Bible says, in Luke 2:19, "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." I treasure every single Christmas and think of them often. I adore the memories that have been made around Christmas trees, around fires, and around the beautiful, old Bible that sits on the table in my grandparents living room.

Between last year's Christmas and this year's Christmas, I can hardly recognize the person I am, because the past year has been filled with valleys, mountaintops, and much personal growth. This past year has seemed like a roller coaster, but the past few days, I have been able to focus on just what this past year was like. In the past 365 days, I finished my last semester of high school, graduated with honors, went to Nicaragua, started college, made lots of friends, finished my first semester of college with all A's and B's, and so much more. This year has made me realize things about myself and has made me even more grateful that there is a time of year when we all come together to enjoy God's blessings and the wonderful gift of His son.
There is a part in the song "O Holy Night" that says, "Long lay the world in sin and error pining til He appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn." We are back at that place. We are laying in sin and error. Our world continues to go downhill. What Christians fail to see is that, even if Merry Christmas is no longer politically correct, God is still on His sovereign throne watching over every single one of us. This Christmas, instead of reflecting on the bad, let us focus on the thrill of hope and the glorious morn that is breaking. Let us help others to find that hope as well. This world needs hope more than anything else. We, as Christians, should be the ones sharing that hope with others and Christmastime is the perfect time to do it. The chorus of the song goes like this: "Fall on your knees. O hear the angel voices. O night divine, o night when Christ was born." Focus on the Lord this Christmas. Focus on how Jesus, equal with God, became nothing and became Immanuel, God with us. He did not leave us in our sin, but provided and escape. Before you tear into your gifts or complain about what a mess this world is, take time to thank God for the real reason we celebrate Christmas, the perfect, holy gift of His son.

It's Hard to Walk

The other day, I was walking back to my dorm room when I heard a dad call back to his little girl because she had fallen behind the rest of the family. She called out, "Daddy, daddy." He responded with, "Come on. I'll wait for you." Then, she said, "Daddy, it is hard to walk so much."
Now I have no clue if they had walked very far or if they were just walking into the building from the parking lot, but what the little girl said struck me as familiar. I realized that I say that same exact thing to God so often. But, just as her father was patient with her, our Father is patient with us.
I have messed up oh so often recently. I have drifted from the safety of my heavenly Father's arms and looked for love and reassurance in different places. I find my usual excuse is that it is hard to walk the path that God has set before me. It gets lonely, I'll say, forgetting that God is always by my side. He never falters in walking by my side, except for the times when He picks me up and carries me because I tell Him that I am tired of walking His path. Not once has He let me completely stray to another path. He brings me back on course every single time. It is hard for me to walk, but God is patient with me!
He has been teaching me through this. Through ALL of this. In the last five months, I have been beaten, torn, and broken, but through that, God has been teaching me, growing me, and using me. He has shown me things that I never accepted before. I struggle with anxiety. Even typing it here is hard for me, but through that realization, I have been able to overcome parts of it. Most of my anxiety is social. One mark of someone with social anxiety is that they regularly remove themselves from social situations in order to "have control over them." They really don't though. So, instead of trying to "have control," I make myself join in and I find that I actually have lots of fun. He has also grown and nurtured my love for Him. I find more and more evidence of His love everyday. He has shown me that I cannot depend on human affection to satisfy me, because humans can so quickly withdraw their affection and our hearts yearn for something more than what humans can offer us. He has used my experiences and the things I am going through in order to encourage other people, and vice versa. 
A dear friend I have has been dealing with many of the same things. She and I have slowly been getting through this together. I know that I have someone who is always going to turn my focus back on how great and good God is in every part of my life. Even if she doesn't say anything about God, she radiates joy in the midst of her circumstance and that reminds me that only God can provide that kind of joy. She encourages me every time I am around her, in so many different ways. I pray that I encourage her on a daily basis as well.
God knows. He knows that it is hard. God knows that it is hard for us to walk the path He has for us sometimes. I mean Jesus had to suffer the cross. He walked a terrible path, harder than almost any other person that has ever lived. He knows what it is like to say "Daddy, it's hard to walk." The Bible tells us that He prayed, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done.” He was looking for any other way.
There is something about this verse that I struggle with all the time. Jesus asks for the cup to be taken from Him, but He says He will willingly still go through with God's will even if He knows it will be hard. I can learn from Jesus' example. I need to resolve myself to always saying, "God, not my will, but Yours, be done." And when it feels like I cannot go any longer, I need to push myself to keep going, no matter what I am facing. 

I have a few questions to ask you: What are you facing today? What have you been facing in the last year? How has God worked in past situations? And can you see Him working now? If not, how hard are you actually looking?

God works in mysterious, and sometimes very hidden ways. Look! Look HARD! He is working. I can guarantee that. You will find the ways He is working too, if you are looking for them. Take this and think on it. God is working all around you, just take the time to look for Him. Look for Him in the way the wind can carry all your worries away, the way people smile with all the joy in the world at you, the way fellow students or teachers encourage you in little ways throughout the day, the way you just feel inexplicably at rest. Look for Him in all things, every day. You will find Him. And remember that when you tell Him it is hard to walk, He is patient with you, and He will sometimes even pick you up and carry you!

I will leave you with this song. I hope the lyrics encourage you the way they have encouraged me:

Carry Me by Josh Wilson

I try to catch my breath. It hasn't happened yet. I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death, so I prayed, "God, would You make this stop? Father please hold on to me. You're all I've got."

Carry me, carry me, carry me now from my sinking sand to Your solid ground. The only way I'm ever gonna make it out is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now. God, carry me, carry me, carry me now.

Jesus, calm my heart. Come near me, please. Lord, don't let these worries get the best of me. Oh I believe that You're still here with me 'cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave.

So carry me, carry me, carry me now from my sinking sand to Your solid ground. The only way I'm ever gonna make it out is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now. God, carry me, carry me, carry me now. Carry me, God, carry me. Carry me, God, carry me

I'm at the end of myself. I know I've got nothing left. Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death. And I've been down here so long I just can't find my way out. Oh God, I don't stand a chance unless You carry me now. God, carry me now.

Carry me, carry me, carry me now from my sinking sand to Your solid ground. The only way I'm ever gonna make it out is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now. God, carry me, carry me, carry me now.

Nicaragua

Author's Note: This is to just to share with you what is going on in my life. Please do not think that this post is me being exactly what I'm going to talk about trying to change in the post. I'm not trying to be.

I have put off this post, mostly because it is going to make me vulnerable and it is going to humble me. I learned a lot in Nicaragua. I learned how blessed I am. I learned that there is no reason to not enjoy life. I learned about myself and others. I learned how I interact with others. But mostly, I learned that I need to be open and I need to let myself be broken.

I learned that I need to let myself be more open with others and not put up walls around myself. I shared myself (and my heart) in Nicaragua like I had never shared myself before. I think that I always thought that if I shared too much of myself, that I would eventually loose my identity, but I realized that I actually learned more about myself. I saw that I can connect in incredible ways to people that I cannot even talk to. I learned that just because I am blessed beyond measure, that doesn't mean that I am any better or any worse than those who have much less. But, I mostly learned that I am an unbelievably prideful person.
I am full of pride, but I'm not prideful in the usual way. There are people who have huge egos and everybody knows that they need to be brought down a level, but I am prideful in a totally different way. I complain.... A LOT! I will just say, "That looks too hard, or that hurts too much, or I'm not good enough to do that, or I'm not worth that, etc." I will make absent comments, but they are almost always in a complaining way. I make a statement about the weather, but I will say, "It is so hot outside. I am burning up and sweating so much." Instead, I should say, "It is pretty warm outside." Or better yet, I could say nothing. What a concept that is! (Go to the end of this if you want to read my tangent on this point.) I just think I could complain a lot less and I could have a more positive attitude towards everything. So often, my attitude towards things is a very negative attitude. I just tend to look at a lot of things negatively. My word, that dulls my life. That is no help to myself. I am only making it harder for myself to enjoy my life. I need to learn that my own thoughts can be complaining too. The thoughts that I think to myself and the way I think can also be incredibly negative too. I just feel like it cannot be healthy in my walk with Christ. If I am negatively thinking, then I cannot be thinking about God and it usually means that my thoughts are distracted. Everything that goes on in my mind can be a bad influence on my life.
There is something else that I tend to do that I never even noticed before. One of my leaders, on the trip, pointed it out to me. I literally pull myself out of group activities. I kid you not, the first activity we did, which was an amazing zip line over a VOLCANO, I just decided not to do! What an idiot I was. I would have had such an amazing time, and I didn't do it. I didn't climb all the way up a volcano to see an amazing view of an active volcano, because I just did not want to walk all that way, and I missed out on some great photo opportunities, some pretty great jokes, and just getting to see an unbelievable view of God's creation. I decided not to join everybody in the pool, I wouldn't go on a walk with some of the girls early in the morning to see the beauty of God's sunrise. Now, I cannot believe how prideful it was of me to take myself out of those activities. I decided not to do those things, I see now, to make people notice my absence. I can assure you now, people may think about you for a moment, but they will still do whatever they are doing and will soon give their full attention to whatever that is. I think that I complain and have hard time shutting my mouth, and don't do all the activities to get the attention on myself, and honestly, what does that accomplish? At work and stuff, I do not want the attention. I am actually an introvert in the strictest sense of the definition. In other words, I need to be alone in order to be re-energized. I do not know why I want the attention if that is the case, but it is probably the same reason why I love to perform. It lets me know that someone, somewhere is watching me, and at least one person probably will approve.
I need attention. I need approval. That is the reason for my pride. Correction: It is the evidence of my pride. I promise, I did not respond the way I should have that first night. At first, I was fuming at my leader. Then, I was indignant towards her. Then , I wanted to kick and scream when she was making me join in the activity going on that I did not want to be a part of. I wanted to go to bed and be mad at her. But, I ended up being glad that she made me go. It did take me a whole other day to actually thank her though. She was so incredibly patient with me and for that and her bluntness with me I will forever be thankful. She was brave! She clearly told me that I was being prideful, sinful, and it was not pleasing to God. Most of the time, I tend to argue and defend myself to the very end, but I truly think that Spirit of God shut my mouth the way he shout the mouths of the lions in the story of Daniel. I did not say a word, Several times, I wanted to defend myself, but I knew I was in the wrong, so I knew there was nothing I could say. I hope I have done well since then, but I know I have a lot more work to do, but I am determined to be positive, outgoing, and to do a whole lot less complaining. God's strength and my weakness have been combined to create a truly wonderful picture of just how great and glorious my God is. I have seen Him in some truly wonderful ways these past couple of months, working in me. I have fought Him, truly embraced Him, and learned so much about who He is. All I can say is God is  so so good, ALL THE TIME!!!
"I know how I can stray and how fast my heart could change. Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition, and the poison of my pride and any foolish thing my heart holds to. Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You, compared to You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You so I surrender all!!!" - Empty Me by Chris Sligh

Post Author's Note: When I first started this post, I had intended to tell you all more about my trip in the way I told my story, but I have decided that it would weaken what GOD did and how He worked in me. I would love to tell any of you anything you want to know about Nicaragua another time, but this post needed to be about what God did in my HEART. I felt like that was a more important thing to share.




The tangent: Okay, so I cannot remember if I have written something about this before, but there is something that has really been pulling at my heart for a while. (Thank you, Mason, for this) 1 Peter 3;4 says, "But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious." God spoke to me through this verse. He told me that I needed to learn to talk less and that I need to learn to talk gently. I don't often chastise people, but I do speak in a more harsh way. I just guess it is the tone of my voice, but I can always speak as if there is a smile on my face, which I feel would help my voice to sound kinder and less harsh. I don't know. I just feel as if I could learn a lot more about how and when to speak. I think I could make better choices about how I use my voice and the impact it could make on the Kingdom of Heaven.

Creation and the Creator

Hey, guys! It has been WAY TOO long, but Senior year is busy! Anyway, I am now done with high school. I will be going to Bryan in the fall and I am eventually going to pursue a degree in Occupational Therapy with a focus on special needs children, so that is my life now, but I want to talk about something else!
This past week has been filled with storms and sunshine here in Tennessee! I realized that all too often I forget that every drop of rain and every blade of grass that is touched by the sunlight is a part of GOD'S creation. God is an absolutely amazing artist, y'all!
 He made me with this strange fascination for storms (which my dad encouraged by showing me how cool lightning really is). I love the sound of rain on my window, the refreshing feel of the rain on my skin, and the patterns the lighting creates in the sky while it gives off a lot of light for a split second. It inspires in me a kind of wonder of how much power and beauty one thing can hold in itself. I love the way my window looks right after it stops raining and the water is just falling off and for a little while it looks like my windows were made way back when glass wasn't so perfect and everything seemed to have an unpurposeful beauty to itself. I love what happens when it is sunny but it is still raining. Rainbows don't have anything to do with this though. They are beautiful and I do like rainbows, but even more than that, I love how the sun makes the rain look like little diamonds dropped everywhere! It is so beautiful and it makes me want to be covered in those amazing liquid diamonds.
God has given me a new love for His creation in people too. There is something so fascinating about kids that see the world in a totally different way. I take care of special needs kids often. They are so amazing. These kids speak a different language than we do. They also have the ability to love unconditionally, which most of us are without. They see your face and light up because they know that you are there for them. I am so thankful that God created these special kids and that He placed an overwhelming passion and love for in my heart. They are actually a part of my heart that can never be taken away.
There was one evening this past week when I was waking down the street and I started singing "The Maker" by Chris August. The first verse and chorus go like this: "I see You in the sunrise. I see You in the rain. I see You in the laughter. I feel You through the pain. Everything that You have made is beautiful. Oh my God, I can't believe my eyes. And in all of this to think that You would think of me makes my heart come alive. Your love is like a mighty fire deep inside my bones. I feel like I could climb a thousand mountains all at once. And I never have to wonder if somebody cares for me. I love the Maker and the Maker loves me." It is a reminder that God is an artist, but that He deeply loves us. It is a reminder that we should NEVER lose our love or fascination for His creation. I am always intrigued by the creativity that God displays in His creation and He is so attentive to detail. Take a look at a couple of different flowers and you will see how God specifically plans how many petals each one will have. Take a look at the next sunset and notice how many different colors and hues God uses in it. Also, take notice  of how no two sunsets or snowflakes are the same. Y'all I pray that, even if it is the only thing you see God's hand in, you will be awestruck by His handiwork. Learn to LOVE creation. So many of God's attributes are reflected in it. Creation is certainly something that we should be awestruck by!

Surrender is Hard

Okay, I've gotta be completely honest with you. I am a sinful, sinful creature and I know it. I try hard to do the right thing and resist temptation, but I find my self failing most of the time.

This past weekend at Woodlands Camp (one of my favorite places in the world) we did an extensive study on Proverbs 3:5-6. We talked about what it really means to trust God and what it looks like to surrender everything to Him so that He will have control over your life. Let me tell you, it is not easy. Giving your life to someone that you've never seen can't be easy. One of my leaders used this analogy: it is easy to give up your phone or something to your parents because you can see them and you know that you'll probably eventually get it back, but when you surrender something to God, you can't physically hand over something to someone that you can see and you probably won't get it back. That is difficult for my heart to accept. I struggle daily with surrender to God and His plan for my life. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me, especially when I am trying to surrender my future and my thoughts. 

I try everyday to remind myself that it is all about "God's plan, not mine". I follow this pretty well until it comes to choosing a college or thinking about my future career. I find it harder and harder to trust God with this as the time draws nearer and nearer for me to choose. 

God deserves our complete devotion though! He deserves for us to love Him and worship Him with all that we do. I can only do this as long as I am following His plan for my life. One of my leaders told me a while ago that as long as we follow God's will for our life, He will start to reveal His specific plan for our lives. I believe this to be true. So, no matter what happens, I will strive to DAILY surrender my future, my plan, my thoughts, and my EVERYTHING to God!!!

~ Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.~

I OWE HIM EVERYTHING

 It is something I know, but I often forget! He gave practically everything for me! How can I repay this?!?! The simple answer is that I cannot, but I can try.
I think we forget that as Christians. We thank God and accept that we can never repay Him. Then, we move on, but that is not how we should respond to the amazing grace that God decided to grant us. We should spend our entire lives trying to repay Him, not that it is a gift that needs to be repaid, but that gift should lead is to a spirit of thankfulness and worship that leads us to tell others about Him. It should lead us to live everyday doing whatever we little humans can do to serve an infinitely wonderful and great God.
That's not to say that God will tell us we're not enough, but when we truly have the Holy Spirit living within us, it should push us to do ALL we can possibly do to God's glory and to further His Kingdom.
So many times, I have told myself that I don't do enough, but then again half of the people on this planet don't. If we did, if we lived in abandon for God, if we had this inexplicable fire inside of us, Christians would turn this country, possibly even the world upside down! I truly believe we would.
I don't know where your heart is. I can't, only God can. I will tell you, though, that as for me, I am going to do my part to turn the world upside down in the name of my Almighty God!!! I can just pray that God will lead you to join me!

What is going on and why is it so hard?

A lot has happened since I last did a blog post, and I'm still not exactly sure what I'm doing right now. I just know that this is a way for me to form my ideas into actual, wordable (I know it's not a word) thoughts.
My life right now is kind of chaotic. I'm now officially in my Senior year of high school, I have two new jobs, a crazy schedule that keeps changing, and I also have do NOT exactly know what I want to do with my life or which college I want to go to or really anything relating to my future! This, for me, is probably one of the scariest things that could happen. I am a planner and planners want to know what is happening WAY before hand. Now, this isn't to say that I won't do some things spontaneously, but when it comes to deciding what to do with the rest of my life, I want to know THAT! 
I have learned something though. I HAVE to trust God in order to be what he wants me to be! I have also learned that He has plans for me way beyond my wildest dreams. I have learned that God probably will not show me what is going to happen in the future, because He is teaching me to trust Him. 
All this I have learned, but I still struggle with it daily. I worry. I wonder. I wander. I try to plan over God's plan that He has not yet revealed to me. I try to create this world for myself if I choose certain things over others. I CANNOT out plan God though. He can see infinitely more than I can and He can create an infinitely better future for me than I can. 
My question now: Why do I even worry in the first place? My soul is secure in God! No matter what happens to me, I know where my soul is going to end up. Now, this doesn't mean I can just sit around and do nothing. That is considered sin, but this means that I should let God lead me into the unknown with no fear and no hesitation knowing that He has every second of my life in His hands and nothing will happen to me against His will.  Jesus tells us explicitly in Matthew 6:25-34. Verses 33 and 34 have been my comfort in these past few months, trying to decide where God is leading me and learning to trust Him in everything! 
I don't know if any of you have had to surrender everything to God, then had to trust Him when you cannot see anything in front of you at all, but it is NOT easy. Maybe, I'll come to things in my life that are even harder to trust God with, but right now, this feels really hard. 
I have comfort though. I have an inexplicable, overwhelming peace in my life! I know that this can only be through God. I cannot explain the calmness in the middle of the storm, but I know it's only because of God's presence. So, even though I am going through my last year of highschool needing GREAT grades, even though I am trying to balance my two new jobs and my constantly changing schedule, I know that GOD'S GOT THIS!!! 

"But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself, Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." ~ Matthew 6:33-34 ~

Really God?

This past week I was on a missions trip in Washington DC. Sure, I could talk about my experiences with the less fortunate, but I'd rather talk about what I learned and how clearly I heard God for the first time.
Thursday night was our last night there. It was emotional and hard. Then, we read the passage about Jesus washing the disciples feet. After that, the YW staff told us the break into church groups. First, they washed the leaders' feet. Then, the leaders washed our feet. It was difficult and I had experienced this before. The last time, though, I thought that the leaders shouldn't be doing it for me, but it was different this time. God clearly spoke and told me that I needed to do the same thing. I needed to serve just as He served. Now, don't get me wrong, I served all week, but this was a different kind of service. God wanted me to serve my family.
See I need a huge lesson in humility because my pride has stood in between me and God for too long. I know that that has to stop and God knew that that would only happen as long as I had to humble myself in front of the people of the people I'm most prideful with.
Service is huge and it starts at home. I have to make sure my heart is in the right place at home before  I go out and try to serve others!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who was on the DC trip. You all are amazing and I love every single one of you.

That One Thing That Makes My Life Wonderful And Terrible

For all of you who have been following my blogs, I am telling you that this one is going to be very different from my other ones. I just feel like I need to get this out there, but I don't necessarily want to be direct about it.
Well, you're probably wondering what on earth could make my life so terrible and wonderful at the same exact time. That one thing is guys! Now you're probably thinking, "What? I thought she didn't think about guys that way and she's just friends with guys." You would be correct, but these are NOT just any guys. The guys I'm specifically talking about are the guys at my school. Those of you who know them are probably REALLY confused at this point, but I will tell you, I know some other girls at the school who pretty much agree with me.
The guys at my school are a rare breed. Sure, they can be like other guys. They can be braggish, they can make inappropriate jokes, and they can be everything else other guys are. For the most part, though, they are some of the BEST guys in the world. I cannot help but give them the highest praise I can. Most of the time (at least when we females are around), they are gentlemanly, chivalrous, nice, sweet, deep, and just GREAT guys. They are all these things and funny. No, they are ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!! They NEVER fail to make me laugh and smile. These guys make my days at school exciting and unpredictable. They make my days go better. They are part of the sunshine in my sometimes dull and stormy life and I love them.
So, you're probably wondering why these guys make my life terrible too. It's because they are practically undateable! Now, don't get me wrong. I do not necessarily want to date these guys, at least not right now, but it would be nice to know, at least, that one of these pretty amazing guys thought I was pretty great. It wouldn't even have to be in a romantic way. Just to know that they thought the same things about me would be pretty awesome. I mean, they are good, most of them are Godly, and they really are several levels above the other guys in this world. Just to know that these guys thought the same things about me would be awesome.
What do I mean by several levels above most other guys in this world? I would never have to worry about these guys trying anything or pushing me if I said no. Honestly, most of the guys would probably opt for more of a courting relationship. (By that I mean hanging out with friends and family and not going out to movies or dinner alone all that often.) They would probably make some of the best boyfriends ever.
These guys are just some of my favorite guys in the world! These reflections were inspired by an afternoon with a few of them while I was thinking back on the day as we were heading back to town and just for your entertainment, here is exactly what I wrote down at the time: "I am truly lucky and my life sucks at the same time because of the same thing: the guys at my school. They are the best guys on the planet!!! They just don't know it and they probably wouldn't use it to their advantage even if they did know. It's just the type of guys they are They are truly INCREDIBLE! Why am I lucky? Well, I  already answered that. Why does my life suck because of this? They're like my brothers (some of them more awkward than others)!!! I can't go out with any of them. It'd probably even be super weird if I just liked one of them. I love them. I truly do, just not romantically. I pray one day they all discover how incredibly amazing they are compared to other guys out there, but until they do, I will continue to know (not secretly anymore) all girls who date/marry them are the luckiest girls on the planet and (probably) do NOT deserve those guys!"
Sorry that this post was so different from my others, but I really thought I should just out this out there, and if any of you guys are reading this, don't let it go to your head. At least you know what I think of you now, though. I hope you guys will actually live up to this the rest of your life and that you will never loose your sweetness and funniness!

...... oh, and thank You, God

Have you ever noticed that sometimes, in your life, especially on one of those good days, that it is so easy for God to become an afterthought? I just experienced this a little bit ago. When I got on facebook and was about to post something to my wall, I was like oh yeah, thanks God for the wonderful day. I was truly grateful and I knew that He had made it a beautiful day, but my mind doesn't always go directly to God.
It should though! God is the one who makes days great. He's the one who makes days bad. He blesses me and takes away from me, and no matter what He chooses to do, my mind should always be on God. It should always be listening for His voice, discerning HIS will for my life.
GOD SHOULD NOT BE AN AFTERTHOUGHT! He is almighty God, King of the universe, your creator, my creator, and the one who has control over all things! Every minute of everyday, I should be sitting in awe and wonder of His grace, majesty, and love, not giving Him a few thank yous and pleases throughout my day. It just doesn't seem to fit when you think about ALL that God is.
He is my King, my Lord, my Provider, my Savior, my More-than-enough, my Jehovah-Jireh, my all-in-all, my Friend, my Father, my Peace, my Joy, my Love, my Fullness, my Deliverer, my Completeness, and my EVERYTHING! God is everything to me. If I lost all I had today, I would still have ALL I needed cause I'd still have God. God should be my everything, every second of my life.
God CANNOT be someone I thank when my life is going good, if I remember to, and someone I plead with when my life is going bad. He should be the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thing I think about when I fall asleep, and the one thing I constantly think about in all the moments in between. I should be so overwhelmed with thoughts about God that the Devil can't even creep into my mind. It should make it impossible for me to sin and if I do, I immediately feel absolute remorse for it.
It is so hard to have God on your mind constantly though. I know. It's hard to keep our minds on one thing with all the distractions around us each and every day. There are so many other things that try to steal our attention, but God is fighting for that attention too. God shouldn't have to fight for your attention. It should be our instinct to always give God our attention first, then move on to the other things.
One song that I love listening to asks God to make them broken, empty, and lonely until He is their "One Desire", "One True Love", "Breath", and "Everything" and it also asks Him to keep making them. That is what I want. I want God to be all and for Him to keep making me. I know God's power can do anything, so I pray earnestly that He will be the first thing my mind ALWAYS goes to no matter what!

Easter is happy time...... the reason we celebrate it is not

Tonight my youth pastor was speaking for the second time of a three week series about how the resurrection changes everything. Tonight he decided to focus on the crucifixion though. He took a different angle than anyone would've thought, but it spurred some great thoughts in my mind. One thought I had was this: "The ABSOLUTE joy of the resurrection was intensified by the ABSOLUTE suffering of the crucifixion."
This thought held me suspended in thought for a few moments. If we thought about all the suffering of the cross and tried to imagine how it would feel to be broken and so COMPLETELY forsaken the way Jesus was, if we imagined the pain, sorrow, and feeling of completely lostness (yes I know that's not a word) that His followers experienced that DARK day, Easter would be an all out celebration!!!!!! I'm not talking about the candy, easter bunny, or even egg hunts that we have today. No, I am talking about an all out, amazing, and loud worship session for God that celebrated His victory over death and over hell.
The Bible tells us that Jesus  now holds the keys to death. It makes me think of the song that says, "Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Oh church, come stand in the light. The glory of God has DEFEATED the night. Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Oh church, come stand in the light. Our God is NOT dead. He's alive. HE'S ALIVE!!!!!" God cannot even be overcome by the grave.
Wow! What a hope that should give Christians. If God can DEFEAT death, how much more can He help you defeat and overcome and fix stuff in your life? God wants to help you conquer everything in your life. He loves you and He wants what's best for you and He has a great life planned for you!
I may not be a fan of happy endings because I'm tired of them, but this is one happy ending that will never get old and that will always bring tears to my eyes, because I know it is what brought me back to life again. This is a happy ending that I certainly did NOT deserve and yet God has chosen to give me the free gift of life in His son. I could not conquer anything without Him, and yet He has given me the power to DEFEAT the grave and Satan forever.
Do NOT forget the suffering that Jesus had to go through before the resurrection. This Easter, before you go on an easter egg hunt or before you start digging into your candy, take a moment to realize what God went through to make it such a joy-filled day of celebration!

A Christian in an Atheistic World

Last week in Europe, I got a true glimpse at how atheistic our world really is. There really is no religious people in Europe, but those who are just go to an elaborate cathedral on Sundays and go through the motions. It is hard to explain it, but it hit me hard because in Knoxville, I'm smack dab in the middle of what is called the Bible belt. I finally understood what atheism played out on a large scale looked like.
My tour director, who is the sweetest person in the world is a pluralist, which is not an atheist, but very close. She believes that, if there is a heaven and a god, everyone will be allowed in to heaven. She doesn't believe that one religion is right or wrong. She doesn't adhere to a certain religion either.
When one of my friends, Levi, and I started talking to her about our beliefs, she told us we had to question everything and explore all things. When we went on talking a little longer, she stopped and she looked at the both of us and said with her brow knitted, "You aren't creationists. Are you?" We both looked at her and said that we were. She then looked at us with a huge expression of surprise on her face. She could not believe that we did not adhere to the belief that practically the whole world adheres to of evolution. We then continued and told her that we do believe in micro-evolution, but not macro-evolution. No matter what we said after we admitted that we were creationists mattered, though.
It seems that if someone says they are a creationist, they must not be able to argue intelligibly because who could think the whole world was created in six or seven days. I can see where this could make more sense, but really which is more logical? God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh or that the world just happened? I get that its easier to get rid of the need for a God, but its more logical to have Him.
I think, as Christians, we need to fight even harder for our religion! It is dying, especially in places like Europe. I think it takes going to places like I did in order to see just how incredibly dark our world is now. It is sad, but it should fire us up and make us try even harder to bring our world back to God.
I'm listening to the song "Do Something" by Matthew West, and part of it says, "How'd we ever get so down and how's it ever gonna turn around? So, I turned my eyes to heaven and I thought, 'God, why don't you do something?".... He said, 'I did, I created you.' If not us, then who? If not me and you right now? It's time for us to do something. If not now, then when will we see and end...?" This should make us think about how we are living for Christ and if we are really doing something. I just wanna say that from now on, I am going to try to make it impossible for someone to look at me and not see a difference!