About a month and a half ago, I returned to my former life in Knoxville. I'm a workaholic again. I'm living under my parents' roof again. And, I have to actually leave more than five minutes before I have to be somewhere and I have to use my car to get there. Let me explain. Campus life changes you. You get into the routine of going to class, doing schoolwork, and hanging out with friends. You take up most of your free time with friends. You don't have to run everything by your parents and tell them when you'll be gone and when you'll be home. And on a small campus, you can get anywhere on campus in five minutes or less and by walking.
But the biggest part of my routine on campus was the friends. Day in and day out, I was doing life with these people, even on the days I didn't want to. I would walk through my day with them. Eat with them, talk with them, live with them. There were days I wanted to hide myself and my life from them, but there was always someone to uncover what I was trying to hide and I could not be more thankful for it. There were days that threatened to tear me apart, but they never let that happen. They were as faithful as friends could be, and I am so glad that God blessed me with them.
I suppose I could have written that all in the present tense, because they still do the same things. The only problem is that they are doing in long distance now, and I feel as if the most vital part of my routine is missing now that I am away from these people who became my family. I used to talk with them all multiple times a day, everyday, and that just doesn't happen now. Every time I think about them, even right now just writing this, I get an aching feeling in my heart and I desire to be back there again, doing life with these precious gifts from God.
The thing is that I have been okay without them. Sure, I would much rather be with them than away from them, but when I make myself busy, I barely notice that they are not here all the time. It is only when I stop and think about them that I realize how much I truly miss them and how much I long to be with each and every one of them. So, I don't allow myself to have free-time. I fill all my waking hours with work, television, or books. I spend my days distracting myself, so that I don't feel the pain of not being with the friends who know more about me than anyone else in the world.
The problem with work is that it wears me out and breaks me down. It absolutely exhausts me, and sometimes it really frustrates me. I feel like I can't let it all out either. I can barely keep it together some days. I've lost the support system I had and the friends that held me up to keep me from crumbling under the weight of the stress. Now, that that is gone, I feel like caving in on myself way more often than I should.
So, I turn to television. It allows me to get absorbed in a new place, so I forget about what is going on around me. I use it to take my attention away from all the things in my life that cause me stress and pain. I simply decide to ignore my own problems and get caught up in someone else's problems instead, because everyone loves a good show filled with drama.
Then, I get bored with most of the shows I watch. Plus, I find it hard to completely block out my world when I'm watching a screen. But, reading a good book is an entirely different story. I've learned since my early teenage years to block out everything except for one person's beautifully strung together words on these simple but wonderful pages of a book. I don't know how, but authors have found a way to transport me to another dimension simply by putting funny, squigly lines on a page. It truly is magical, so reading really is the best distraction there is for me.
But, what happens when I've worn out all other options and all I'm left with is my thoughts? My mind tends to go to one of two places: 1) All the useless song lyrics I have stored up there or 2) My friends. Most of the time, my friends win out. I miss them fiercely sometimes, and the ache comes back once again when I start to think about what makes each and every one of them so special and needed in my life.
Then, as it always happens with me, I hear a little voice in the back of my head. It tells me to evaluate my friendships. I hate the feeling I get when I do this, because I know that the little voice is trying to convict me of not relying on God as my sufficiency. Now, these friends are a gift and wonderful blessing from God, but I know I tend to put my relationships with them above my relationship with God. It always hits me hard, because I love these people, and they're not pulling me away from God. The problem is that I need to be able to say that I lack nothing if God is the only thing I have. No home. No food. No friends! I don't think I could say that.
That means that friends have become too important to me. Does that mean I should abandon my friendships or try to become more distant with them? Of course not. It simply means that I should be focusing my energy more on God in this season of lacking in my life. I want to get to a point where it would hurt, but I could go on, if each and every one of my friends was taken from me today. I want God to be the only thing I will ever need in this life. And if He chooses to bless me with incredible friends, then I will thank Him for them daily, just as I do now.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
When the Lights Go Down for the Last Time
There is something about how every actor feels when they leave the stage on the last night of the play. After the curtain call and after the lights go down and the curtain closes for the last time for a certain show, there is a heaviness that fills your heart, but a lightness that fills the air. You start tearing down the set and you work hard for a couple of hours and suddenly, the set is nonexistent. The stage is empty and all that is left are the cast members that have become your family in just a few short months. Some of them, you've just gotten to know better. Some of them, you may have never known if you weren't in the play together. Then, you go out and celebrate, because it really was a great show and it was an amazing run for everyone.
Then, the next night rolls around. For the past three nights, you've walked down to the auditorium at about 6:30 to get your costume on and get ready to perform the show. You glance at the time on your computer screen. It says 6:40. Then, it truly hits you. You really are done performing the show that you worked on for months and all that is left of the show are the memories and friendships you made along the way. It is a bittersweet feeling and you want to cry and be thankful at the same time.
There are no words that exist to express how thankful I am to have been a part of Oklahoma, but there are also few words to describe the pain in my chest when I think about the fact that I truly am done with being on stage until next semester.
Being in Oklahoma gave me the chance to rediscover my love for theatre, but it also made me rediscover the sadness that covers me when I will no longer step onto the stage as a certain character again, even if that character is only a nameless farmer's daughter. Every character is a cherished, dear friend and I will see her from time to time, but she will never fully reappear ever again. I fear that there are some parts of each character that fade away at the end of every show, never to be seen again. I reflect on the time I've had being in every show I've been in, but I never cultivated deep friendships in any of the others, and I have never missed a show as much as I continue to miss Oklahoma.
I think part of it is that fact that we had three veteran actors that will be leaving in just a few short weeks. I watched as the curtain closed for the very last time on these three actors and that was heart wrenching. (Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew, you will be missed by many on this campus and in the theatre.) But, there is a light, because even as good goes, good usually comes. True, I do not think I will ever forget those three, but we also still have talented people at the school, and I know of at least one phenomenal actor coming next year. So, even though Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew will remain irreplaceable, there is a small light at the end of the tunnel. To those seniors who were in the show and are now moving on and to those who are coming into Bryan and want to perform, "There's a bright golden haze on the meadow. There's a bright golden haze on the meadow... [Your dreams are as high as the clouds going by] and it looks like they're climbing clear up [through] the sky."
What else now is there to say but thank you? Thank you to those in the show that made me feel accepted and loved (you know who you are). Thank you to the seniors who gave their all for one last time on the stage. And thank you to anyone who was a part of this production in any way. I am so glad that I was able to rediscover a part of myself that really missed being able to shine. So, until next time, "We're only saying, 'You're doin fine Oklahoma.' Oklahoma. O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A. Oklahoma. Yeow!"
Then, the next night rolls around. For the past three nights, you've walked down to the auditorium at about 6:30 to get your costume on and get ready to perform the show. You glance at the time on your computer screen. It says 6:40. Then, it truly hits you. You really are done performing the show that you worked on for months and all that is left of the show are the memories and friendships you made along the way. It is a bittersweet feeling and you want to cry and be thankful at the same time.
There are no words that exist to express how thankful I am to have been a part of Oklahoma, but there are also few words to describe the pain in my chest when I think about the fact that I truly am done with being on stage until next semester.
Being in Oklahoma gave me the chance to rediscover my love for theatre, but it also made me rediscover the sadness that covers me when I will no longer step onto the stage as a certain character again, even if that character is only a nameless farmer's daughter. Every character is a cherished, dear friend and I will see her from time to time, but she will never fully reappear ever again. I fear that there are some parts of each character that fade away at the end of every show, never to be seen again. I reflect on the time I've had being in every show I've been in, but I never cultivated deep friendships in any of the others, and I have never missed a show as much as I continue to miss Oklahoma.
I think part of it is that fact that we had three veteran actors that will be leaving in just a few short weeks. I watched as the curtain closed for the very last time on these three actors and that was heart wrenching. (Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew, you will be missed by many on this campus and in the theatre.) But, there is a light, because even as good goes, good usually comes. True, I do not think I will ever forget those three, but we also still have talented people at the school, and I know of at least one phenomenal actor coming next year. So, even though Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew will remain irreplaceable, there is a small light at the end of the tunnel. To those seniors who were in the show and are now moving on and to those who are coming into Bryan and want to perform, "There's a bright golden haze on the meadow. There's a bright golden haze on the meadow... [Your dreams are as high as the clouds going by] and it looks like they're climbing clear up [through] the sky."
What else now is there to say but thank you? Thank you to those in the show that made me feel accepted and loved (you know who you are). Thank you to the seniors who gave their all for one last time on the stage. And thank you to anyone who was a part of this production in any way. I am so glad that I was able to rediscover a part of myself that really missed being able to shine. So, until next time, "We're only saying, 'You're doin fine Oklahoma.' Oklahoma. O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A. Oklahoma. Yeow!"
Saturday, April 16, 2016
With Him, I Lack Nothing
This week, in my journal, I began to write about things that can combat my negative core beliefs, but instead of combating the already existing beliefs, I decided to create a new, positive one. Here is what is written in my journal: "God loves me unconditionally as one who is redeemed by the blood of His precious son, and as long as He sees me as worthy and calls me His beloved, I will be lacking nothing."
The issue is that, for most of us, this isn't even close to the truth. We think that we can make God our everything, but when we really think about what that would mean, we change our minds. It would mean losing all of our possessions, most of our clothing, our money, our family, our friends, everything that we ever held dear except for Jesus. Would you really be okay with God being everything then? Or would you wish you had at least some of that stuff back?
Hey, I'm the same way. If I'm honest, I would not be okay with losing everything today. I would not be able to say that God is still good, and that I still had all I needed. God would not be enough for me. And I don't want to be that way anymore. I want God to be enough for me. I want everything in this world to pale so much in comparison to God that I don't even notice when it's gone. The trouble is that, as feeble-minded people, we too quickly get distracted from keeping our eyes on the Lord.
Even Peter, who literally saw Jesus in front of him and was walking towards Jesus, got distracted by the waves. Sometimes, I am Peter, set on the Lord and walking towards Him step-by-step. Then, the worries and deadlines of this world start to creep up on me and splash me left and right. The winds of adversity whistle through the air and almost sweep me off my feet. That is when I begin to take my eyes off of the Lord. I go through times of intense pain, stress, and anxiety and I get distracted from following after Jesus. I take my eyes off of the only man who can save me when I begin to drown in everything this world throws at me.Then, a miraculous thing happens for me, just as it happened for Peter. As I begin to sink further and further down, Jesus stretches out his hand and takes me out of the clutches of everything this world throws at me.
I think that we have a hard time seeing ourselves as lovable, so we cannot wrap our small brains around God's huge plan for redemption. We cannot love in the same way that God can, so we cannot understand how He gave up everything for us who had turned against Him. It makes no sense, but that is part of the mystery of grace. I think once we realize that we have grace and mercy daily, we begin to accept the love of God. And when we see that He loves us so much more than any other person or being could, we realize that He would never hurt us if it wasn't for our own good.
Believe me, I know it is hard when everyday feels like a constant struggle against the waves and the wind. But, we have a God who can walk on water, invites you to walk on top of the waves with Him, and will always save you when you inevitably take your eyes off of Him. Therefore, you can trust that if you were left with nothing but God right now today, you would still lack nothing.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Psalm 37:4: Delighting in Him
Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." But most of the time, we take this verse out of context of who we know God to be. And often we act in a fake manner, thinking we can fool the God who sees our hearts. We take this verse to mean that if we spend some time with God daily and we at least LOOK like we're doing the work of God, then we will get exactly what we want, like that huge pay raise or that new car or even a significant other. We think that God can't see our real motives behind what we do, but God sees everything.
One thing I found when I began delighting myself in the Lord for the sheer purpose of delighting in Him was that HE WAS the desire of my heart all along. We have a God- sized hole in our hearts, every single one of us, and only the one true God of the universe can fill it. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially when I look at how fickle the flesh-filled desires of my heart truly are. I change my mind about what I want all the time, and the desires that are manifested in my heart are no different. I'm learning that once we truly, fervently seek the Lord and are filled with delight when we are at His feet, then He BECOMES the one true desire of our hearts. After we get the chance to bask in His glory and enter into intimate relationship with Him, we have a longing to pursue Him. It's no longer a chore or an inconvenience to read His word, pray, and listen. Those are times of joy and peace for us. They become a source of life and comfort in our otherwise chaotic lives.
I have discovered that when a desire for God and His best floods your heart, little else matters. Yes, there are desires that take a long time to go away and scars that take a long time to heal. But, the glory of God seems to outshine and overpower these other things, tenfold. For a long time now, I have struggled with God about His plans for my future, mostly because I cannot see where He is leading me. I feel like I'm being led around while blind-folded, all the while trying to convince myself that it is all okay because God is the one leading me. He has led me, in the past couple of weeks to: 1) Say no to dating for as long as He says. 2) Open up my heart completely about habitual sins to a few women who I am in contact with everyday. 3) Give into surrendering everything to Him each and every day. 4) Learn to trust His following no matter where He leads me. And finally, 5) Get so lost in Him that nothing else really matters to me, except what HE wants me to focus on.
I will be the first person to tell you that I am extremely grateful for God calling my heart to these things, but that is a lot, and that first one is the one that Satan keeps bringing up in hopes of ruining my resolve to follow God in whatever He calls me to. Satan asks me the same type of question he asked Eve. He asks me, "Was is really God that asked you to give up dating or did you just THINK that that was what God said?" My mind tells me that I should consider the question and ponder it, but the one way I know that it was God is that it was NOT what I wanted to hear. Oh man, that was the one thing I did NOT want to give to God. It's not like I'm dating anyone, but I didn't want to give up the longing of a relationship to God. That was always something I kept near and dear to my heart, and that is exactly why I had to give it up.
My desire for a relationship, since September, had left little room in my heart for a desire for God. I felt spiritually dry and exhausted... because I didn't have enough Jesus in my life, and I had way too much boys. Don't get me wrong. Dating is not bad. It just isn't in God's plan for me right now. God wants me to find the answer to all my questions and the fulfillment of all my desires in Him before I start dating someone else. I have to be secure in my relationship with God before I will ever be secure in an earthly relationship.
That is why I am learning that God was the desire of my heart all along. He is the only one who can fulfill all my desires and He is the only one who completely satisfies me. So, next time you read Psalm 37:4, look at it a little different. Truly delight yourself in God and see if maybe the desire of YOUR heart was Him all along too.
I want to leave you with these lyrics that have helped me to see that God is at work, especially in this season of singleness for me: "So, Father I will place this in Your hands. You know me and all my crazy plans. Humbly I surrender this to You, so I'll keep dreaming. You'll keep coming through. I know You see what I don't see." - Jamie Grace
One thing I found when I began delighting myself in the Lord for the sheer purpose of delighting in Him was that HE WAS the desire of my heart all along. We have a God- sized hole in our hearts, every single one of us, and only the one true God of the universe can fill it. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially when I look at how fickle the flesh-filled desires of my heart truly are. I change my mind about what I want all the time, and the desires that are manifested in my heart are no different. I'm learning that once we truly, fervently seek the Lord and are filled with delight when we are at His feet, then He BECOMES the one true desire of our hearts. After we get the chance to bask in His glory and enter into intimate relationship with Him, we have a longing to pursue Him. It's no longer a chore or an inconvenience to read His word, pray, and listen. Those are times of joy and peace for us. They become a source of life and comfort in our otherwise chaotic lives.
I have discovered that when a desire for God and His best floods your heart, little else matters. Yes, there are desires that take a long time to go away and scars that take a long time to heal. But, the glory of God seems to outshine and overpower these other things, tenfold. For a long time now, I have struggled with God about His plans for my future, mostly because I cannot see where He is leading me. I feel like I'm being led around while blind-folded, all the while trying to convince myself that it is all okay because God is the one leading me. He has led me, in the past couple of weeks to: 1) Say no to dating for as long as He says. 2) Open up my heart completely about habitual sins to a few women who I am in contact with everyday. 3) Give into surrendering everything to Him each and every day. 4) Learn to trust His following no matter where He leads me. And finally, 5) Get so lost in Him that nothing else really matters to me, except what HE wants me to focus on.
I will be the first person to tell you that I am extremely grateful for God calling my heart to these things, but that is a lot, and that first one is the one that Satan keeps bringing up in hopes of ruining my resolve to follow God in whatever He calls me to. Satan asks me the same type of question he asked Eve. He asks me, "Was is really God that asked you to give up dating or did you just THINK that that was what God said?" My mind tells me that I should consider the question and ponder it, but the one way I know that it was God is that it was NOT what I wanted to hear. Oh man, that was the one thing I did NOT want to give to God. It's not like I'm dating anyone, but I didn't want to give up the longing of a relationship to God. That was always something I kept near and dear to my heart, and that is exactly why I had to give it up.
My desire for a relationship, since September, had left little room in my heart for a desire for God. I felt spiritually dry and exhausted... because I didn't have enough Jesus in my life, and I had way too much boys. Don't get me wrong. Dating is not bad. It just isn't in God's plan for me right now. God wants me to find the answer to all my questions and the fulfillment of all my desires in Him before I start dating someone else. I have to be secure in my relationship with God before I will ever be secure in an earthly relationship.
That is why I am learning that God was the desire of my heart all along. He is the only one who can fulfill all my desires and He is the only one who completely satisfies me. So, next time you read Psalm 37:4, look at it a little different. Truly delight yourself in God and see if maybe the desire of YOUR heart was Him all along too.
I want to leave you with these lyrics that have helped me to see that God is at work, especially in this season of singleness for me: "So, Father I will place this in Your hands. You know me and all my crazy plans. Humbly I surrender this to You, so I'll keep dreaming. You'll keep coming through. I know You see what I don't see." - Jamie Grace
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Thoughts From in Front of a Fireplace
As we come to another Christmas, I reflect on Christmas past. I think of all the lovely memories, the family members that are no longer sitting with us in front of the fire, and the many things that have happened in between each and every Christmas. Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year because my love language is definitely gifts. I enjoy receiving gifts, but I love giving gifts even more. I cherish every gift and every memory that has been given to me during Christmastime.
The funny thing is that I have not really had the chance to let Christmas sink into and invade my heart and soul this time around. I have been so busy with my first semester of college (we didn't get out until the 18th) and worrying about a multitude of different things that I forgot to reflect on what Christmas means and how much it truly means to me, personally.
I have always had fantastic Christmases. When I was really little, we used to go down to Florida and spend Christmas with my grandparents down there. I never even knew what a white Christmas was. Then, when I was around 8 years old, they moved up to Tennessee, and so came my Aunt and Uncle when I was probably 12-14. Now, we spend Christmas Eve at my family's house and we exchange gifts with our extended family members. The next morning, we get up and open gifts from our immediate family, and oh how I cherish those Christmas mornings. We gather around a fire (which will not be necessary for our 70 degree Christmas this year), eat breakfast, read the story of our ultimate gift from God, and watch each other open the gifts we have selected. I feel like I imagine Mary felt when the Bible says, in Luke 2:19, "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." I treasure every single Christmas and think of them often. I adore the memories that have been made around Christmas trees, around fires, and around the beautiful, old Bible that sits on the table in my grandparents living room.
The funny thing is that I have not really had the chance to let Christmas sink into and invade my heart and soul this time around. I have been so busy with my first semester of college (we didn't get out until the 18th) and worrying about a multitude of different things that I forgot to reflect on what Christmas means and how much it truly means to me, personally.
I have always had fantastic Christmases. When I was really little, we used to go down to Florida and spend Christmas with my grandparents down there. I never even knew what a white Christmas was. Then, when I was around 8 years old, they moved up to Tennessee, and so came my Aunt and Uncle when I was probably 12-14. Now, we spend Christmas Eve at my family's house and we exchange gifts with our extended family members. The next morning, we get up and open gifts from our immediate family, and oh how I cherish those Christmas mornings. We gather around a fire (which will not be necessary for our 70 degree Christmas this year), eat breakfast, read the story of our ultimate gift from God, and watch each other open the gifts we have selected. I feel like I imagine Mary felt when the Bible says, in Luke 2:19, "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." I treasure every single Christmas and think of them often. I adore the memories that have been made around Christmas trees, around fires, and around the beautiful, old Bible that sits on the table in my grandparents living room.
Between last year's Christmas and this year's Christmas, I can hardly recognize the person I am, because the past year has been filled with valleys, mountaintops, and much personal growth. This past year has seemed like a roller coaster, but the past few days, I have been able to focus on just what this past year was like. In the past 365 days, I finished my last semester of high school, graduated with honors, went to Nicaragua, started college, made lots of friends, finished my first semester of college with all A's and B's, and so much more. This year has made me realize things about myself and has made me even more grateful that there is a time of year when we all come together to enjoy God's blessings and the wonderful gift of His son.
There is a part in the song "O Holy Night" that says, "Long lay the world in sin and error pining til He appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn." We are back at that place. We are laying in sin and error. Our world continues to go downhill. What Christians fail to see is that, even if Merry Christmas is no longer politically correct, God is still on His sovereign throne watching over every single one of us. This Christmas, instead of reflecting on the bad, let us focus on the thrill of hope and the glorious morn that is breaking. Let us help others to find that hope as well. This world needs hope more than anything else. We, as Christians, should be the ones sharing that hope with others and Christmastime is the perfect time to do it. The chorus of the song goes like this: "Fall on your knees. O hear the angel voices. O night divine, o night when Christ was born." Focus on the Lord this Christmas. Focus on how Jesus, equal with God, became nothing and became Immanuel, God with us. He did not leave us in our sin, but provided and escape. Before you tear into your gifts or complain about what a mess this world is, take time to thank God for the real reason we celebrate Christmas, the perfect, holy gift of His son.
There is a part in the song "O Holy Night" that says, "Long lay the world in sin and error pining til He appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn." We are back at that place. We are laying in sin and error. Our world continues to go downhill. What Christians fail to see is that, even if Merry Christmas is no longer politically correct, God is still on His sovereign throne watching over every single one of us. This Christmas, instead of reflecting on the bad, let us focus on the thrill of hope and the glorious morn that is breaking. Let us help others to find that hope as well. This world needs hope more than anything else. We, as Christians, should be the ones sharing that hope with others and Christmastime is the perfect time to do it. The chorus of the song goes like this: "Fall on your knees. O hear the angel voices. O night divine, o night when Christ was born." Focus on the Lord this Christmas. Focus on how Jesus, equal with God, became nothing and became Immanuel, God with us. He did not leave us in our sin, but provided and escape. Before you tear into your gifts or complain about what a mess this world is, take time to thank God for the real reason we celebrate Christmas, the perfect, holy gift of His son.
Friday, November 27, 2015
It's Hard to Walk
The other day, I was walking back to my dorm room when I heard a dad call back to his little girl because she had fallen behind the rest of the family. She called out, "Daddy, daddy." He responded with, "Come on. I'll wait for you." Then, she said, "Daddy, it is hard to walk so much."
Now I have no clue if they had walked very far or if they were just walking into the building from the parking lot, but what the little girl said struck me as familiar. I realized that I say that same exact thing to God so often. But, just as her father was patient with her, our Father is patient with us.
I have messed up oh so often recently. I have drifted from the safety of my heavenly Father's arms and looked for love and reassurance in different places. I find my usual excuse is that it is hard to walk the path that God has set before me. It gets lonely, I'll say, forgetting that God is always by my side. He never falters in walking by my side, except for the times when He picks me up and carries me because I tell Him that I am tired of walking His path. Not once has He let me completely stray to another path. He brings me back on course every single time. It is hard for me to walk, but God is patient with me!
He has been teaching me through this. Through ALL of this. In the last five months, I have been beaten, torn, and broken, but through that, God has been teaching me, growing me, and using me. He has shown me things that I never accepted before. I struggle with anxiety. Even typing it here is hard for me, but through that realization, I have been able to overcome parts of it. Most of my anxiety is social. One mark of someone with social anxiety is that they regularly remove themselves from social situations in order to "have control over them." They really don't though. So, instead of trying to "have control," I make myself join in and I find that I actually have lots of fun. He has also grown and nurtured my love for Him. I find more and more evidence of His love everyday. He has shown me that I cannot depend on human affection to satisfy me, because humans can so quickly withdraw their affection and our hearts yearn for something more than what humans can offer us. He has used my experiences and the things I am going through in order to encourage other people, and vice versa.
A dear friend I have has been dealing with many of the same things. She and I have slowly been getting through this together. I know that I have someone who is always going to turn my focus back on how great and good God is in every part of my life. Even if she doesn't say anything about God, she radiates joy in the midst of her circumstance and that reminds me that only God can provide that kind of joy. She encourages me every time I am around her, in so many different ways. I pray that I encourage her on a daily basis as well.
God knows. He knows that it is hard. God knows that it is hard for us to walk the path He has for us sometimes. I mean Jesus had to suffer the cross. He walked a terrible path, harder than almost any other person that has ever lived. He knows what it is like to say "Daddy, it's hard to walk." The Bible tells us that He prayed, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done.” He was looking for any other way.
There is something about this verse that I struggle with all the time. Jesus asks for the cup to be taken from Him, but He says He will willingly still go through with God's will even if He knows it will be hard. I can learn from Jesus' example. I need to resolve myself to always saying, "God, not my will, but Yours, be done." And when it feels like I cannot go any longer, I need to push myself to keep going, no matter what I am facing.
Now I have no clue if they had walked very far or if they were just walking into the building from the parking lot, but what the little girl said struck me as familiar. I realized that I say that same exact thing to God so often. But, just as her father was patient with her, our Father is patient with us.
I have messed up oh so often recently. I have drifted from the safety of my heavenly Father's arms and looked for love and reassurance in different places. I find my usual excuse is that it is hard to walk the path that God has set before me. It gets lonely, I'll say, forgetting that God is always by my side. He never falters in walking by my side, except for the times when He picks me up and carries me because I tell Him that I am tired of walking His path. Not once has He let me completely stray to another path. He brings me back on course every single time. It is hard for me to walk, but God is patient with me!
He has been teaching me through this. Through ALL of this. In the last five months, I have been beaten, torn, and broken, but through that, God has been teaching me, growing me, and using me. He has shown me things that I never accepted before. I struggle with anxiety. Even typing it here is hard for me, but through that realization, I have been able to overcome parts of it. Most of my anxiety is social. One mark of someone with social anxiety is that they regularly remove themselves from social situations in order to "have control over them." They really don't though. So, instead of trying to "have control," I make myself join in and I find that I actually have lots of fun. He has also grown and nurtured my love for Him. I find more and more evidence of His love everyday. He has shown me that I cannot depend on human affection to satisfy me, because humans can so quickly withdraw their affection and our hearts yearn for something more than what humans can offer us. He has used my experiences and the things I am going through in order to encourage other people, and vice versa.
A dear friend I have has been dealing with many of the same things. She and I have slowly been getting through this together. I know that I have someone who is always going to turn my focus back on how great and good God is in every part of my life. Even if she doesn't say anything about God, she radiates joy in the midst of her circumstance and that reminds me that only God can provide that kind of joy. She encourages me every time I am around her, in so many different ways. I pray that I encourage her on a daily basis as well.
God knows. He knows that it is hard. God knows that it is hard for us to walk the path He has for us sometimes. I mean Jesus had to suffer the cross. He walked a terrible path, harder than almost any other person that has ever lived. He knows what it is like to say "Daddy, it's hard to walk." The Bible tells us that He prayed, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done.” He was looking for any other way.
There is something about this verse that I struggle with all the time. Jesus asks for the cup to be taken from Him, but He says He will willingly still go through with God's will even if He knows it will be hard. I can learn from Jesus' example. I need to resolve myself to always saying, "God, not my will, but Yours, be done." And when it feels like I cannot go any longer, I need to push myself to keep going, no matter what I am facing.
I have a few questions to ask you: What are you facing today? What have you been facing in the last year? How has God worked in past situations? And can you see Him working now? If not, how hard are you actually looking?
God works in mysterious, and sometimes very hidden ways. Look! Look HARD! He is working. I can guarantee that. You will find the ways He is working too, if you are looking for them. Take this and think on it. God is working all around you, just take the time to look for Him. Look for Him in the way the wind can carry all your worries away, the way people smile with all the joy in the world at you, the way fellow students or teachers encourage you in little ways throughout the day, the way you just feel inexplicably at rest. Look for Him in all things, every day. You will find Him. And remember that when you tell Him it is hard to walk, He is patient with you, and He will sometimes even pick you up and carry you!
I will leave you with this song. I hope the lyrics encourage you the way they have encouraged me:
Carry Me by Josh Wilson
I try to catch my breath. It hasn't happened yet. I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death, so I prayed, "God, would You make this stop? Father please hold on to me. You're all I've got."
Carry me, carry me, carry me now from my sinking sand to Your solid ground. The only way I'm ever gonna make it out is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now. God, carry me, carry me, carry me now.
Jesus, calm my heart. Come near me, please. Lord, don't let these worries get the best of me. Oh I believe that You're still here with me 'cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave.
So carry me, carry me, carry me now from my sinking sand to Your solid ground. The only way I'm ever gonna make it out is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now. God, carry me, carry me, carry me now. Carry me, God, carry me. Carry me, God, carry me
I'm at the end of myself. I know I've got nothing left. Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death. And I've been down here so long I just can't find my way out. Oh God, I don't stand a chance unless You carry me now. God, carry me now.
Carry me, carry me, carry me now from my sinking sand to Your solid ground. The only way I'm ever gonna make it out is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now. God, carry me, carry me, carry me now.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Nicaragua
Author's Note: This is to just to share with you what is going on in my life. Please do not think that this post is me being exactly what I'm going to talk about trying to change in the post. I'm not trying to be.
I have put off this post, mostly because it is going to make me vulnerable and it is going to humble me. I learned a lot in Nicaragua. I learned how blessed I am. I learned that there is no reason to not enjoy life. I learned about myself and others. I learned how I interact with others. But mostly, I learned that I need to be open and I need to let myself be broken.
I learned that I need to let myself be more open with others and not put up walls around myself. I shared myself (and my heart) in Nicaragua like I had never shared myself before. I think that I always thought that if I shared too much of myself, that I would eventually loose my identity, but I realized that I actually learned more about myself. I saw that I can connect in incredible ways to people that I cannot even talk to. I learned that just because I am blessed beyond measure, that doesn't mean that I am any better or any worse than those who have much less. But, I mostly learned that I am an unbelievably prideful person.
I am full of pride, but I'm not prideful in the usual way. There are people who have huge egos and everybody knows that they need to be brought down a level, but I am prideful in a totally different way. I complain.... A LOT! I will just say, "That looks too hard, or that hurts too much, or I'm not good enough to do that, or I'm not worth that, etc." I will make absent comments, but they are almost always in a complaining way. I make a statement about the weather, but I will say, "It is so hot outside. I am burning up and sweating so much." Instead, I should say, "It is pretty warm outside." Or better yet, I could say nothing. What a concept that is! (Go to the end of this if you want to read my tangent on this point.) I just think I could complain a lot less and I could have a more positive attitude towards everything. So often, my attitude towards things is a very negative attitude. I just tend to look at a lot of things negatively. My word, that dulls my life. That is no help to myself. I am only making it harder for myself to enjoy my life. I need to learn that my own thoughts can be complaining too. The thoughts that I think to myself and the way I think can also be incredibly negative too. I just feel like it cannot be healthy in my walk with Christ. If I am negatively thinking, then I cannot be thinking about God and it usually means that my thoughts are distracted. Everything that goes on in my mind can be a bad influence on my life.
There is something else that I tend to do that I never even noticed before. One of my leaders, on the trip, pointed it out to me. I literally pull myself out of group activities. I kid you not, the first activity we did, which was an amazing zip line over a VOLCANO, I just decided not to do! What an idiot I was. I would have had such an amazing time, and I didn't do it. I didn't climb all the way up a volcano to see an amazing view of an active volcano, because I just did not want to walk all that way, and I missed out on some great photo opportunities, some pretty great jokes, and just getting to see an unbelievable view of God's creation. I decided not to join everybody in the pool, I wouldn't go on a walk with some of the girls early in the morning to see the beauty of God's sunrise. Now, I cannot believe how prideful it was of me to take myself out of those activities. I decided not to do those things, I see now, to make people notice my absence. I can assure you now, people may think about you for a moment, but they will still do whatever they are doing and will soon give their full attention to whatever that is. I think that I complain and have hard time shutting my mouth, and don't do all the activities to get the attention on myself, and honestly, what does that accomplish? At work and stuff, I do not want the attention. I am actually an introvert in the strictest sense of the definition. In other words, I need to be alone in order to be re-energized. I do not know why I want the attention if that is the case, but it is probably the same reason why I love to perform. It lets me know that someone, somewhere is watching me, and at least one person probably will approve.
I need attention. I need approval. That is the reason for my pride. Correction: It is the evidence of my pride. I promise, I did not respond the way I should have that first night. At first, I was fuming at my leader. Then, I was indignant towards her. Then , I wanted to kick and scream when she was making me join in the activity going on that I did not want to be a part of. I wanted to go to bed and be mad at her. But, I ended up being glad that she made me go. It did take me a whole other day to actually thank her though. She was so incredibly patient with me and for that and her bluntness with me I will forever be thankful. She was brave! She clearly told me that I was being prideful, sinful, and it was not pleasing to God. Most of the time, I tend to argue and defend myself to the very end, but I truly think that Spirit of God shut my mouth the way he shout the mouths of the lions in the story of Daniel. I did not say a word, Several times, I wanted to defend myself, but I knew I was in the wrong, so I knew there was nothing I could say. I hope I have done well since then, but I know I have a lot more work to do, but I am determined to be positive, outgoing, and to do a whole lot less complaining. God's strength and my weakness have been combined to create a truly wonderful picture of just how great and glorious my God is. I have seen Him in some truly wonderful ways these past couple of months, working in me. I have fought Him, truly embraced Him, and learned so much about who He is. All I can say is God is so so good, ALL THE TIME!!!
"I know how I can stray and how fast my heart could change. Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition, and the poison of my pride and any foolish thing my heart holds to. Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You, compared to You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You so I surrender all!!!" - Empty Me by Chris Sligh
Post Author's Note: When I first started this post, I had intended to tell you all more about my trip in the way I told my story, but I have decided that it would weaken what GOD did and how He worked in me. I would love to tell any of you anything you want to know about Nicaragua another time, but this post needed to be about what God did in my HEART. I felt like that was a more important thing to share.
The tangent: Okay, so I cannot remember if I have written something about this before, but there is something that has really been pulling at my heart for a while. (Thank you, Mason, for this) 1 Peter 3;4 says, "But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious." God spoke to me through this verse. He told me that I needed to learn to talk less and that I need to learn to talk gently. I don't often chastise people, but I do speak in a more harsh way. I just guess it is the tone of my voice, but I can always speak as if there is a smile on my face, which I feel would help my voice to sound kinder and less harsh. I don't know. I just feel as if I could learn a lot more about how and when to speak. I think I could make better choices about how I use my voice and the impact it could make on the Kingdom of Heaven.
I am full of pride, but I'm not prideful in the usual way. There are people who have huge egos and everybody knows that they need to be brought down a level, but I am prideful in a totally different way. I complain.... A LOT! I will just say, "That looks too hard, or that hurts too much, or I'm not good enough to do that, or I'm not worth that, etc." I will make absent comments, but they are almost always in a complaining way. I make a statement about the weather, but I will say, "It is so hot outside. I am burning up and sweating so much." Instead, I should say, "It is pretty warm outside." Or better yet, I could say nothing. What a concept that is! (Go to the end of this if you want to read my tangent on this point.) I just think I could complain a lot less and I could have a more positive attitude towards everything. So often, my attitude towards things is a very negative attitude. I just tend to look at a lot of things negatively. My word, that dulls my life. That is no help to myself. I am only making it harder for myself to enjoy my life. I need to learn that my own thoughts can be complaining too. The thoughts that I think to myself and the way I think can also be incredibly negative too. I just feel like it cannot be healthy in my walk with Christ. If I am negatively thinking, then I cannot be thinking about God and it usually means that my thoughts are distracted. Everything that goes on in my mind can be a bad influence on my life.
There is something else that I tend to do that I never even noticed before. One of my leaders, on the trip, pointed it out to me. I literally pull myself out of group activities. I kid you not, the first activity we did, which was an amazing zip line over a VOLCANO, I just decided not to do! What an idiot I was. I would have had such an amazing time, and I didn't do it. I didn't climb all the way up a volcano to see an amazing view of an active volcano, because I just did not want to walk all that way, and I missed out on some great photo opportunities, some pretty great jokes, and just getting to see an unbelievable view of God's creation. I decided not to join everybody in the pool, I wouldn't go on a walk with some of the girls early in the morning to see the beauty of God's sunrise. Now, I cannot believe how prideful it was of me to take myself out of those activities. I decided not to do those things, I see now, to make people notice my absence. I can assure you now, people may think about you for a moment, but they will still do whatever they are doing and will soon give their full attention to whatever that is. I think that I complain and have hard time shutting my mouth, and don't do all the activities to get the attention on myself, and honestly, what does that accomplish? At work and stuff, I do not want the attention. I am actually an introvert in the strictest sense of the definition. In other words, I need to be alone in order to be re-energized. I do not know why I want the attention if that is the case, but it is probably the same reason why I love to perform. It lets me know that someone, somewhere is watching me, and at least one person probably will approve.
I need attention. I need approval. That is the reason for my pride. Correction: It is the evidence of my pride. I promise, I did not respond the way I should have that first night. At first, I was fuming at my leader. Then, I was indignant towards her. Then , I wanted to kick and scream when she was making me join in the activity going on that I did not want to be a part of. I wanted to go to bed and be mad at her. But, I ended up being glad that she made me go. It did take me a whole other day to actually thank her though. She was so incredibly patient with me and for that and her bluntness with me I will forever be thankful. She was brave! She clearly told me that I was being prideful, sinful, and it was not pleasing to God. Most of the time, I tend to argue and defend myself to the very end, but I truly think that Spirit of God shut my mouth the way he shout the mouths of the lions in the story of Daniel. I did not say a word, Several times, I wanted to defend myself, but I knew I was in the wrong, so I knew there was nothing I could say. I hope I have done well since then, but I know I have a lot more work to do, but I am determined to be positive, outgoing, and to do a whole lot less complaining. God's strength and my weakness have been combined to create a truly wonderful picture of just how great and glorious my God is. I have seen Him in some truly wonderful ways these past couple of months, working in me. I have fought Him, truly embraced Him, and learned so much about who He is. All I can say is God is so so good, ALL THE TIME!!!
"I know how I can stray and how fast my heart could change. Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition, and the poison of my pride and any foolish thing my heart holds to. Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You, compared to You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You so I surrender all!!!" - Empty Me by Chris Sligh
Post Author's Note: When I first started this post, I had intended to tell you all more about my trip in the way I told my story, but I have decided that it would weaken what GOD did and how He worked in me. I would love to tell any of you anything you want to know about Nicaragua another time, but this post needed to be about what God did in my HEART. I felt like that was a more important thing to share.
The tangent: Okay, so I cannot remember if I have written something about this before, but there is something that has really been pulling at my heart for a while. (Thank you, Mason, for this) 1 Peter 3;4 says, "But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious." God spoke to me through this verse. He told me that I needed to learn to talk less and that I need to learn to talk gently. I don't often chastise people, but I do speak in a more harsh way. I just guess it is the tone of my voice, but I can always speak as if there is a smile on my face, which I feel would help my voice to sound kinder and less harsh. I don't know. I just feel as if I could learn a lot more about how and when to speak. I think I could make better choices about how I use my voice and the impact it could make on the Kingdom of Heaven.
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