I have put off this post, mostly because it is going to make me vulnerable and it is going to humble me. I learned a lot in Nicaragua. I learned how blessed I am. I learned that there is no reason to not enjoy life. I learned about myself and others. I learned how I interact with others. But mostly, I learned that I need to be open and I need to let myself be broken.
I learned that I need to let myself be more open with others and not put up walls around myself. I shared myself (and my heart) in Nicaragua like I had never shared myself before. I think that I always thought that if I shared too much of myself, that I would eventually loose my identity, but I realized that I actually learned more about myself. I saw that I can connect in incredible ways to people that I cannot even talk to. I learned that just because I am blessed beyond measure, that doesn't mean that I am any better or any worse than those who have much less. But, I mostly learned that I am an unbelievably prideful person.
I am full of pride, but I'm not prideful in the usual way. There are people who have huge egos and everybody knows that they need to be brought down a level, but I am prideful in a totally different way. I complain.... A LOT! I will just say, "That looks too hard, or that hurts too much, or I'm not good enough to do that, or I'm not worth that, etc." I will make absent comments, but they are almost always in a complaining way. I make a statement about the weather, but I will say, "It is so hot outside. I am burning up and sweating so much." Instead, I should say, "It is pretty warm outside." Or better yet, I could say nothing. What a concept that is! (Go to the end of this if you want to read my tangent on this point.) I just think I could complain a lot less and I could have a more positive attitude towards everything. So often, my attitude towards things is a very negative attitude. I just tend to look at a lot of things negatively. My word, that dulls my life. That is no help to myself. I am only making it harder for myself to enjoy my life. I need to learn that my own thoughts can be complaining too. The thoughts that I think to myself and the way I think can also be incredibly negative too. I just feel like it cannot be healthy in my walk with Christ. If I am negatively thinking, then I cannot be thinking about God and it usually means that my thoughts are distracted. Everything that goes on in my mind can be a bad influence on my life.
There is something else that I tend to do that I never even noticed before. One of my leaders, on the trip, pointed it out to me. I literally pull myself out of group activities. I kid you not, the first activity we did, which was an amazing zip line over a VOLCANO, I just decided not to do! What an idiot I was. I would have had such an amazing time, and I didn't do it. I didn't climb all the way up a volcano to see an amazing view of an active volcano, because I just did not want to walk all that way, and I missed out on some great photo opportunities, some pretty great jokes, and just getting to see an unbelievable view of God's creation. I decided not to join everybody in the pool, I wouldn't go on a walk with some of the girls early in the morning to see the beauty of God's sunrise. Now, I cannot believe how prideful it was of me to take myself out of those activities. I decided not to do those things, I see now, to make people notice my absence. I can assure you now, people may think about you for a moment, but they will still do whatever they are doing and will soon give their full attention to whatever that is. I think that I complain and have hard time shutting my mouth, and don't do all the activities to get the attention on myself, and honestly, what does that accomplish? At work and stuff, I do not want the attention. I am actually an introvert in the strictest sense of the definition. In other words, I need to be alone in order to be re-energized. I do not know why I want the attention if that is the case, but it is probably the same reason why I love to perform. It lets me know that someone, somewhere is watching me, and at least one person probably will approve.
I need attention. I need approval. That is the reason for my pride. Correction: It is the evidence of my pride. I promise, I did not respond the way I should have that first night. At first, I was fuming at my leader. Then, I was indignant towards her. Then , I wanted to kick and scream when she was making me join in the activity going on that I did not want to be a part of. I wanted to go to bed and be mad at her. But, I ended up being glad that she made me go. It did take me a whole other day to actually thank her though. She was so incredibly patient with me and for that and her bluntness with me I will forever be thankful. She was brave! She clearly told me that I was being prideful, sinful, and it was not pleasing to God. Most of the time, I tend to argue and defend myself to the very end, but I truly think that Spirit of God shut my mouth the way he shout the mouths of the lions in the story of Daniel. I did not say a word, Several times, I wanted to defend myself, but I knew I was in the wrong, so I knew there was nothing I could say. I hope I have done well since then, but I know I have a lot more work to do, but I am determined to be positive, outgoing, and to do a whole lot less complaining. God's strength and my weakness have been combined to create a truly wonderful picture of just how great and glorious my God is. I have seen Him in some truly wonderful ways these past couple of months, working in me. I have fought Him, truly embraced Him, and learned so much about who He is. All I can say is God is so so good, ALL THE TIME!!!
"I know how I can stray and how fast my heart could change. Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition, and the poison of my pride and any foolish thing my heart holds to. Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You, compared to You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You so I surrender all!!!" - Empty Me by Chris Sligh
Post Author's Note: When I first started this post, I had intended to tell you all more about my trip in the way I told my story, but I have decided that it would weaken what GOD did and how He worked in me. I would love to tell any of you anything you want to know about Nicaragua another time, but this post needed to be about what God did in my HEART. I felt like that was a more important thing to share.
The tangent: Okay, so I cannot remember if I have written something about this before, but there is something that has really been pulling at my heart for a while. (Thank you, Mason, for this) 1 Peter 3;4 says, "But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious." God spoke to me through this verse. He told me that I needed to learn to talk less and that I need to learn to talk gently. I don't often chastise people, but I do speak in a more harsh way. I just guess it is the tone of my voice, but I can always speak as if there is a smile on my face, which I feel would help my voice to sound kinder and less harsh. I don't know. I just feel as if I could learn a lot more about how and when to speak. I think I could make better choices about how I use my voice and the impact it could make on the Kingdom of Heaven.
I am full of pride, but I'm not prideful in the usual way. There are people who have huge egos and everybody knows that they need to be brought down a level, but I am prideful in a totally different way. I complain.... A LOT! I will just say, "That looks too hard, or that hurts too much, or I'm not good enough to do that, or I'm not worth that, etc." I will make absent comments, but they are almost always in a complaining way. I make a statement about the weather, but I will say, "It is so hot outside. I am burning up and sweating so much." Instead, I should say, "It is pretty warm outside." Or better yet, I could say nothing. What a concept that is! (Go to the end of this if you want to read my tangent on this point.) I just think I could complain a lot less and I could have a more positive attitude towards everything. So often, my attitude towards things is a very negative attitude. I just tend to look at a lot of things negatively. My word, that dulls my life. That is no help to myself. I am only making it harder for myself to enjoy my life. I need to learn that my own thoughts can be complaining too. The thoughts that I think to myself and the way I think can also be incredibly negative too. I just feel like it cannot be healthy in my walk with Christ. If I am negatively thinking, then I cannot be thinking about God and it usually means that my thoughts are distracted. Everything that goes on in my mind can be a bad influence on my life.
There is something else that I tend to do that I never even noticed before. One of my leaders, on the trip, pointed it out to me. I literally pull myself out of group activities. I kid you not, the first activity we did, which was an amazing zip line over a VOLCANO, I just decided not to do! What an idiot I was. I would have had such an amazing time, and I didn't do it. I didn't climb all the way up a volcano to see an amazing view of an active volcano, because I just did not want to walk all that way, and I missed out on some great photo opportunities, some pretty great jokes, and just getting to see an unbelievable view of God's creation. I decided not to join everybody in the pool, I wouldn't go on a walk with some of the girls early in the morning to see the beauty of God's sunrise. Now, I cannot believe how prideful it was of me to take myself out of those activities. I decided not to do those things, I see now, to make people notice my absence. I can assure you now, people may think about you for a moment, but they will still do whatever they are doing and will soon give their full attention to whatever that is. I think that I complain and have hard time shutting my mouth, and don't do all the activities to get the attention on myself, and honestly, what does that accomplish? At work and stuff, I do not want the attention. I am actually an introvert in the strictest sense of the definition. In other words, I need to be alone in order to be re-energized. I do not know why I want the attention if that is the case, but it is probably the same reason why I love to perform. It lets me know that someone, somewhere is watching me, and at least one person probably will approve.
I need attention. I need approval. That is the reason for my pride. Correction: It is the evidence of my pride. I promise, I did not respond the way I should have that first night. At first, I was fuming at my leader. Then, I was indignant towards her. Then , I wanted to kick and scream when she was making me join in the activity going on that I did not want to be a part of. I wanted to go to bed and be mad at her. But, I ended up being glad that she made me go. It did take me a whole other day to actually thank her though. She was so incredibly patient with me and for that and her bluntness with me I will forever be thankful. She was brave! She clearly told me that I was being prideful, sinful, and it was not pleasing to God. Most of the time, I tend to argue and defend myself to the very end, but I truly think that Spirit of God shut my mouth the way he shout the mouths of the lions in the story of Daniel. I did not say a word, Several times, I wanted to defend myself, but I knew I was in the wrong, so I knew there was nothing I could say. I hope I have done well since then, but I know I have a lot more work to do, but I am determined to be positive, outgoing, and to do a whole lot less complaining. God's strength and my weakness have been combined to create a truly wonderful picture of just how great and glorious my God is. I have seen Him in some truly wonderful ways these past couple of months, working in me. I have fought Him, truly embraced Him, and learned so much about who He is. All I can say is God is so so good, ALL THE TIME!!!
"I know how I can stray and how fast my heart could change. Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition, and the poison of my pride and any foolish thing my heart holds to. Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You, compared to You. 'Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to You so I surrender all!!!" - Empty Me by Chris Sligh
Post Author's Note: When I first started this post, I had intended to tell you all more about my trip in the way I told my story, but I have decided that it would weaken what GOD did and how He worked in me. I would love to tell any of you anything you want to know about Nicaragua another time, but this post needed to be about what God did in my HEART. I felt like that was a more important thing to share.
The tangent: Okay, so I cannot remember if I have written something about this before, but there is something that has really been pulling at my heart for a while. (Thank you, Mason, for this) 1 Peter 3;4 says, "But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious." God spoke to me through this verse. He told me that I needed to learn to talk less and that I need to learn to talk gently. I don't often chastise people, but I do speak in a more harsh way. I just guess it is the tone of my voice, but I can always speak as if there is a smile on my face, which I feel would help my voice to sound kinder and less harsh. I don't know. I just feel as if I could learn a lot more about how and when to speak. I think I could make better choices about how I use my voice and the impact it could make on the Kingdom of Heaven.
