The Weight of Waiting

If you follow my blog posts at all, you will probably recall that the last one was about the blessings that God has bestowed on me, but recently, I seem to be stuck in a time of waiting again. Don't get me wrong. I am beyond thankful for all the Lord has given and what He continues to bless me with day in and day out, like breath in my lungs and mercy for my mistakes. But, I find myself in the painful waiting for what will come next. I have an idea of what I want that to be, too, but I know that God's plans are often vastly different from my own. To be frank, that fact scares me... a lot. I have a pretty good idea of what MY perfect life would look like, but somehow I get the feeling that "the perfect life" is not what God has planned for me. 
It is sometimes very painful to wait, but I think that is because of our sin nature. Pride and the satisfaction-driven society we live in leave no room for patience, not even with an all-knowing God who has our best interest at heart. We forget that God is not bound by time. Rather, He is bound by His love for us and bound by His own character. He does not function the way we do, yet He understands the pain we feel when we are made to wait. He sees the pain yet keeps us in waiting. The only two possible ways to view this are that God is either unloving or He knows that the wait will ultimately be what is best for us. I choose to believe the latter, because I have no hope otherwise. I also choose to believe it because I have seen what God does through waiting, what He prepares people for through waiting, and what He changes in people through waiting, whether it be desires, focus, or character. And, it is always so much better on the other side. Many times, while waiting for things to come into my life or events to take place, God has changed all three things in me. He increases my desire for Him and decreases my desire for the thing I am waiting on. He shows me that when my focus is on Him, I don't feel the sting of the waiting so much, because I would rather be chasing after my beautiful God than anything else. And He has changed my character by teaching me humility and patience. Those two things do not come naturally to me, so God has chosen to teach them to me through waiting, and I am still continuing to learn the lesson even now. 
There is another thing I have acquired through my times of waiting and that is a deeper understanding of and love for God Himself. God chooses to reveal Himself in some incredible ways at times. He has shown me His great compassion, patience, and faithfulness through my seasons of waiting. He comforts me, because even though He is God, He still sees the hurt and pain of one of His children when I don't understand what He is doing. He gives me a heart that understands that waiting is best when He is the one who is causing the wait. And, even when I turn my back on Him because I am tired of waiting, He remains faithful in His promises to me. He sticks with me through it all and still delights to bless me with the desires of my heart in His time.
One of my favorite songs is Take Courage by Kristene Dimarco. The chorus goes like this: "Take courage, my heart. Stay steadfast, my soul. He's in the waiting. He's in the waiting. Hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds. He's never failing. He's never failing." God is found in our time of waiting. He is the one behind it, and even when we cannot see, He sees and comprehends all. He understands that we feel pain, that our hearts yearn for more, but He also understands that our hearts will always continue to yearn for more until we allow Him to completely satisfy us and fill us with HIS love. No earthly affection, despite the amount, will ever be able to fill the God sized hole we all have in our hearts. 
So, yes, my seasons of waiting hurt. My heart longs, but I am slowly allowing God to change that. I think, as long as I am here on earth, I will continue to feel the ache when I am made to wait. But I believe that each time, I will come out of my seasons of waiting understanding God better and changed to look more like Him. While I would love to ask God to put an end to my season of waiting and give me what I long for, I am instead going to ask Him to fill my heart with Himself and be content with where He has me at the moment. I will trust in Him and I choose to believe that "[He] who holds the stars, who calls them each by name will surely keep [His] promise to me."

Wait for the Lord; 

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord!

{Psalm 27:14}

Spontaneity, Anxiousness, Joy, and Nearness to God

So, in the past month, I have been filled with more spontaneous urges, anxious feelings, heartfelt rejoicing, and genuine desire to be nearer to God than I ever have been before.
First of all, the spontaneous urges were translated into action twice. My first was to audition for little duo scenes that a directing class was doing. It was not a big deal, but I truly love acting and really thoroughly enjoyed the auditions. I was very surprised when I went the next day to look at the cast list and saw my name under one of the play names. Now, we haven't yet gotten into rehearsals as I am writing this post, but I could  not be more thrilled to finally know that I will soon again be memorizing lines and rehearsing. I have sorely missed it, and I think God understood that and decided to bless my decision to audition with a part in one of the scenes. The other decision I made was to apply for Bryan College's Worldview Initiative. This was not exactly a spontaneous process and I prayed a lot, but the decision to do it was spontaneous. I still have not heard anything back, but I have hope. The reason I am sharing this with you all is because God taught me a lesson through both things. He showed me that as long as I take the first steps towards obedience or even something I just want to do for enjoyment, He will take care of the rest. We do our best, we obey His leading, we can even strive towards something we want, but we ultimately let Him make the final decision. I could not make anyone pick me for the scenes and I cannot make the Worldview Initiative call me in for an interview. I am leaving those decisions up to God. So, if I get called in for an interview, I will do my best and give it to God. He is ultimately the one who will decide anyway, so I might as well surrender the situations to God instead of worrying.
Second, the anxious feelings have been a part of it all. Even when surrendered to God, I have been anxious about both aforementioned things, but mostly the Worldview Initiative. Although I do feel it is more of an excited anxiousness about it, I still know that there is a part of me that is apprehensive. I believe that is because I know being a part of the team is going to push me beyond my comfort zone. I also know that being rejected is going to hurt. It is not going to kill me and I know that it will be a part of God's plan, but it still will not feel good. I am learning that anxiousness is not always bad, and that the anxiousness that comes from fear must be surrendered to my loving Father who is always ready to fill me with His peace that surpasses any understanding.
My heartfelt rejoicing has come through many things this semester so far. First, my friend was asked out by a guy she has liked for a while. God blessed her for her obedience to Him and it could not have made me happier. My heart was genuinely filled with such joy for her and the love that God was displaying for her through blessing her. It also came when God decided to bless me with a part in one of the scenes. It came when He showed me that a guy is not a part of His plan for me right now, and that is okay. It's actually so much better than okay. It is a chance for me to completely experience the love of God in my life when nothing else is taking up space in my heart other than Him. I have also experienced it in little things such as singing with a homeless veteran on the streets of downtown Chattanooga and praying with two complete strangers who offered to pray for us. I have experienced rejoicing in my heart through things God has shown me, through Him blessing me, and through Him blessing others. I do not think this is temporary either, because I truly believe, as one of my other friends does, that God is truly changing me and filling my heart with joy.
The genuine desire to be nearer to God mostly comes through what I described in the last paragraph. I just want to get closer to the source of all my love, joy, hope, compassion, peace, and affirmation. I am in one of those places in my life where I am realizing just how much I need God and how much I truly desire Him. I desire to just be near my Creator and love Him with all my heart. I desire to not move away from what He has been doing in my life, but to accept it with arms wide open and let Him work in me and shape me into what He wants me to be. I know that I will continue to sin and turn away from God, but I truly hope and pray that my nearness will prompt my heart to turn back to Him the moment I can no longer see Him and His glory. I truly hope that the darkness will disgust me and make me crave His light and the spreading of His light even more.
I never intended to share most of the stuff in this post, but God has just been too incredibly good to me. I had to share it with you all. God rewards faithfulness, and He also decides to bless His children even if they have not been completely faithful. I fall into the latter category, but I still try to be faithful to God in all I do. Just remember to seek after His desires and not your own. Dear friend, I ask that you would consciously try to keep your eyes on the Master so that the distractions of this world and your own desires would not pull you away from the amazing plan that out Father has in store for you.