About a month and a half ago, I returned to my former life in Knoxville. I'm a workaholic again. I'm living under my parents' roof again. And, I have to actually leave more than five minutes before I have to be somewhere and I have to use my car to get there. Let me explain. Campus life changes you. You get into the routine of going to class, doing schoolwork, and hanging out with friends. You take up most of your free time with friends. You don't have to run everything by your parents and tell them when you'll be gone and when you'll be home. And on a small campus, you can get anywhere on campus in five minutes or less and by walking.
But the biggest part of my routine on campus was the friends. Day in and day out, I was doing life with these people, even on the days I didn't want to. I would walk through my day with them. Eat with them, talk with them, live with them. There were days I wanted to hide myself and my life from them, but there was always someone to uncover what I was trying to hide and I could not be more thankful for it. There were days that threatened to tear me apart, but they never let that happen. They were as faithful as friends could be, and I am so glad that God blessed me with them.
I suppose I could have written that all in the present tense, because they still do the same things. The only problem is that they are doing in long distance now, and I feel as if the most vital part of my routine is missing now that I am away from these people who became my family. I used to talk with them all multiple times a day, everyday, and that just doesn't happen now. Every time I think about them, even right now just writing this, I get an aching feeling in my heart and I desire to be back there again, doing life with these precious gifts from God.
The thing is that I have been okay without them. Sure, I would much rather be with them than away from them, but when I make myself busy, I barely notice that they are not here all the time. It is only when I stop and think about them that I realize how much I truly miss them and how much I long to be with each and every one of them. So, I don't allow myself to have free-time. I fill all my waking hours with work, television, or books. I spend my days distracting myself, so that I don't feel the pain of not being with the friends who know more about me than anyone else in the world.
The problem with work is that it wears me out and breaks me down. It absolutely exhausts me, and sometimes it really frustrates me. I feel like I can't let it all out either. I can barely keep it together some days. I've lost the support system I had and the friends that held me up to keep me from crumbling under the weight of the stress. Now, that that is gone, I feel like caving in on myself way more often than I should.
So, I turn to television. It allows me to get absorbed in a new place, so I forget about what is going on around me. I use it to take my attention away from all the things in my life that cause me stress and pain. I simply decide to ignore my own problems and get caught up in someone else's problems instead, because everyone loves a good show filled with drama.
Then, I get bored with most of the shows I watch. Plus, I find it hard to completely block out my world when I'm watching a screen. But, reading a good book is an entirely different story. I've learned since my early teenage years to block out everything except for one person's beautifully strung together words on these simple but wonderful pages of a book. I don't know how, but authors have found a way to transport me to another dimension simply by putting funny, squigly lines on a page. It truly is magical, so reading really is the best distraction there is for me.
But, what happens when I've worn out all other options and all I'm left with is my thoughts? My mind tends to go to one of two places: 1) All the useless song lyrics I have stored up there or 2) My friends. Most of the time, my friends win out. I miss them fiercely sometimes, and the ache comes back once again when I start to think about what makes each and every one of them so special and needed in my life.
Then, as it always happens with me, I hear a little voice in the back of my head. It tells me to evaluate my friendships. I hate the feeling I get when I do this, because I know that the little voice is trying to convict me of not relying on God as my sufficiency. Now, these friends are a gift and wonderful blessing from God, but I know I tend to put my relationships with them above my relationship with God. It always hits me hard, because I love these people, and they're not pulling me away from God. The problem is that I need to be able to say that I lack nothing if God is the only thing I have. No home. No food. No friends! I don't think I could say that.
That means that friends have become too important to me. Does that mean I should abandon my friendships or try to become more distant with them? Of course not. It simply means that I should be focusing my energy more on God in this season of lacking in my life. I want to get to a point where it would hurt, but I could go on, if each and every one of my friends was taken from me today. I want God to be the only thing I will ever need in this life. And if He chooses to bless me with incredible friends, then I will thank Him for them daily, just as I do now.
