The Weight of Waiting

If you follow my blog posts at all, you will probably recall that the last one was about the blessings that God has bestowed on me, but recently, I seem to be stuck in a time of waiting again. Don't get me wrong. I am beyond thankful for all the Lord has given and what He continues to bless me with day in and day out, like breath in my lungs and mercy for my mistakes. But, I find myself in the painful waiting for what will come next. I have an idea of what I want that to be, too, but I know that God's plans are often vastly different from my own. To be frank, that fact scares me... a lot. I have a pretty good idea of what MY perfect life would look like, but somehow I get the feeling that "the perfect life" is not what God has planned for me. 
It is sometimes very painful to wait, but I think that is because of our sin nature. Pride and the satisfaction-driven society we live in leave no room for patience, not even with an all-knowing God who has our best interest at heart. We forget that God is not bound by time. Rather, He is bound by His love for us and bound by His own character. He does not function the way we do, yet He understands the pain we feel when we are made to wait. He sees the pain yet keeps us in waiting. The only two possible ways to view this are that God is either unloving or He knows that the wait will ultimately be what is best for us. I choose to believe the latter, because I have no hope otherwise. I also choose to believe it because I have seen what God does through waiting, what He prepares people for through waiting, and what He changes in people through waiting, whether it be desires, focus, or character. And, it is always so much better on the other side. Many times, while waiting for things to come into my life or events to take place, God has changed all three things in me. He increases my desire for Him and decreases my desire for the thing I am waiting on. He shows me that when my focus is on Him, I don't feel the sting of the waiting so much, because I would rather be chasing after my beautiful God than anything else. And He has changed my character by teaching me humility and patience. Those two things do not come naturally to me, so God has chosen to teach them to me through waiting, and I am still continuing to learn the lesson even now. 
There is another thing I have acquired through my times of waiting and that is a deeper understanding of and love for God Himself. God chooses to reveal Himself in some incredible ways at times. He has shown me His great compassion, patience, and faithfulness through my seasons of waiting. He comforts me, because even though He is God, He still sees the hurt and pain of one of His children when I don't understand what He is doing. He gives me a heart that understands that waiting is best when He is the one who is causing the wait. And, even when I turn my back on Him because I am tired of waiting, He remains faithful in His promises to me. He sticks with me through it all and still delights to bless me with the desires of my heart in His time.
One of my favorite songs is Take Courage by Kristene Dimarco. The chorus goes like this: "Take courage, my heart. Stay steadfast, my soul. He's in the waiting. He's in the waiting. Hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds. He's never failing. He's never failing." God is found in our time of waiting. He is the one behind it, and even when we cannot see, He sees and comprehends all. He understands that we feel pain, that our hearts yearn for more, but He also understands that our hearts will always continue to yearn for more until we allow Him to completely satisfy us and fill us with HIS love. No earthly affection, despite the amount, will ever be able to fill the God sized hole we all have in our hearts. 
So, yes, my seasons of waiting hurt. My heart longs, but I am slowly allowing God to change that. I think, as long as I am here on earth, I will continue to feel the ache when I am made to wait. But I believe that each time, I will come out of my seasons of waiting understanding God better and changed to look more like Him. While I would love to ask God to put an end to my season of waiting and give me what I long for, I am instead going to ask Him to fill my heart with Himself and be content with where He has me at the moment. I will trust in Him and I choose to believe that "[He] who holds the stars, who calls them each by name will surely keep [His] promise to me."

Wait for the Lord; 

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord!

{Psalm 27:14}

Spontaneity, Anxiousness, Joy, and Nearness to God

So, in the past month, I have been filled with more spontaneous urges, anxious feelings, heartfelt rejoicing, and genuine desire to be nearer to God than I ever have been before.
First of all, the spontaneous urges were translated into action twice. My first was to audition for little duo scenes that a directing class was doing. It was not a big deal, but I truly love acting and really thoroughly enjoyed the auditions. I was very surprised when I went the next day to look at the cast list and saw my name under one of the play names. Now, we haven't yet gotten into rehearsals as I am writing this post, but I could  not be more thrilled to finally know that I will soon again be memorizing lines and rehearsing. I have sorely missed it, and I think God understood that and decided to bless my decision to audition with a part in one of the scenes. The other decision I made was to apply for Bryan College's Worldview Initiative. This was not exactly a spontaneous process and I prayed a lot, but the decision to do it was spontaneous. I still have not heard anything back, but I have hope. The reason I am sharing this with you all is because God taught me a lesson through both things. He showed me that as long as I take the first steps towards obedience or even something I just want to do for enjoyment, He will take care of the rest. We do our best, we obey His leading, we can even strive towards something we want, but we ultimately let Him make the final decision. I could not make anyone pick me for the scenes and I cannot make the Worldview Initiative call me in for an interview. I am leaving those decisions up to God. So, if I get called in for an interview, I will do my best and give it to God. He is ultimately the one who will decide anyway, so I might as well surrender the situations to God instead of worrying.
Second, the anxious feelings have been a part of it all. Even when surrendered to God, I have been anxious about both aforementioned things, but mostly the Worldview Initiative. Although I do feel it is more of an excited anxiousness about it, I still know that there is a part of me that is apprehensive. I believe that is because I know being a part of the team is going to push me beyond my comfort zone. I also know that being rejected is going to hurt. It is not going to kill me and I know that it will be a part of God's plan, but it still will not feel good. I am learning that anxiousness is not always bad, and that the anxiousness that comes from fear must be surrendered to my loving Father who is always ready to fill me with His peace that surpasses any understanding.
My heartfelt rejoicing has come through many things this semester so far. First, my friend was asked out by a guy she has liked for a while. God blessed her for her obedience to Him and it could not have made me happier. My heart was genuinely filled with such joy for her and the love that God was displaying for her through blessing her. It also came when God decided to bless me with a part in one of the scenes. It came when He showed me that a guy is not a part of His plan for me right now, and that is okay. It's actually so much better than okay. It is a chance for me to completely experience the love of God in my life when nothing else is taking up space in my heart other than Him. I have also experienced it in little things such as singing with a homeless veteran on the streets of downtown Chattanooga and praying with two complete strangers who offered to pray for us. I have experienced rejoicing in my heart through things God has shown me, through Him blessing me, and through Him blessing others. I do not think this is temporary either, because I truly believe, as one of my other friends does, that God is truly changing me and filling my heart with joy.
The genuine desire to be nearer to God mostly comes through what I described in the last paragraph. I just want to get closer to the source of all my love, joy, hope, compassion, peace, and affirmation. I am in one of those places in my life where I am realizing just how much I need God and how much I truly desire Him. I desire to just be near my Creator and love Him with all my heart. I desire to not move away from what He has been doing in my life, but to accept it with arms wide open and let Him work in me and shape me into what He wants me to be. I know that I will continue to sin and turn away from God, but I truly hope and pray that my nearness will prompt my heart to turn back to Him the moment I can no longer see Him and His glory. I truly hope that the darkness will disgust me and make me crave His light and the spreading of His light even more.
I never intended to share most of the stuff in this post, but God has just been too incredibly good to me. I had to share it with you all. God rewards faithfulness, and He also decides to bless His children even if they have not been completely faithful. I fall into the latter category, but I still try to be faithful to God in all I do. Just remember to seek after His desires and not your own. Dear friend, I ask that you would consciously try to keep your eyes on the Master so that the distractions of this world and your own desires would not pull you away from the amazing plan that out Father has in store for you.

NOT Your Basic College Post

There are so many things I could say about my college experience thus far. I could talk about how much I love the whole college experience. I could give you a top ten list of why you should still stay connected to and friends with your former roommate, but I am not going to talk about that. Yes, I am going to talk about Bryan College. But instead of it being about the school, my experience here, or any of the typical things you find in a college blog post, I am going to discuss the location of Bryan.

Now, anyone who is reading this who has ever even just visited Bryan knows that it is set atop a hill, in the midst of mountains and in a beautiful spot in quaint Dayton, Tennessee. The view is always great, and the sunsets are magnificent. I cannot convey how spectacularly Bryan was placed where it is.

On my first day of classes here, I took a break to walk down my hall. Now, I live in the top floor of my building. Out the front window of the hall, there is the triangle. The view out the back window is quite different, though. So, as I was looking at the rolling Tennessee hills out the back window I spotted a house, just a single house, situated perfectly on one of the hills, almost as if the hill had been built around the home. Then, my musings turned to Bryan and how we say we are on the hill, quite literally. And I thought of the words of Jesus: "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden." 

Never could a verse be more perfect for Bryan College. This school is a small city, and as Christians, we are all individually called to be lights in this world. Bryan College is a unique and special place to be. We have the unique opportunity to form and solidify our beliefs and theology, all while we are learning more and more about it day by day. We have the opportunity to learn in a place where God is glorified in the things the professors teach. Bryan college gives us a safe place to grow and learn.

Bryan also gives us the opportunity to reach out into the community we have been placed in. We get the chance to be the light in Dayton, Rhea County, and surrounding areas. On campus, we have a  group called PCI (Practical Christian Involvement). Through it, we are connected to various service opportunities and able to participate in things that interest us, but are also compelled to be a light to the community God has put us in.
I believe God put Bryan on a hill in Dayton, Tennessee for a reason. I believe God desires to be glorified through this school and I know he wants us to shine His light in Dayton. So, as I enter into the new school year, it was quite revealing that God called Bryan's location to my attention and quite convicting to realize that this community needs God.

The Honest One

Author's Note: I don't want to post this. I know it will be freeing, but I'm also terrified to have the secrets I have only shared with a select few out in the open. I only hope that God will allow this to touch at least one person. That would make it worth it to me. Just know that this is in no way meant to condemn or ask for sympathy. I'm simply being honest with all of you. If you have any questions about what I've shared or why I've said something, feel free to ask. This is one post I especially do not want anyone to be confused about.

One of my friends recently reminded me that we have to be totally vulnerable in order to be completely healed. Now, I'm not saying that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good thing. In fact, I think that is a fairly foolish thing to do, but we do have to learn to open up more about the things we struggle with. It is so freeing. I recently opened up to another friend, whom I have never been really close to, and the sense of acceptance and love I felt from her was freeing, but was also extremely healing. I always think that people are going to judge me when I open up, but there was no judgement from her, only acknowledgement that we all struggle with lots of different things, and most of us have habitual sins that we struggle with on a daily basis.

I  am so incredibly good about sharing things that I am learning and that I am succeeding with, but things that I struggle with is a totally different story. I tend to shut down and ignore people when they try to get me to open up about things. On one hand, I know that people struggle with habitual sins just like I do. But on the other hand, I always feel like my sins are worse, and I feel like a failure because I'm not able to conquer them. I feel guilt and shame just thinking about them. I hate to admit to things that I feel like I will never be able to change, because it makes me admit to not having the control or the strength to change it.

When I begin to feel weak, I realize that I am forgetting that I have the Almighty God of the Universe on my side, and He gives me the strength to defeat the things that I cannot conquer on my own. The only issue is that one of the things I struggle with is my pride, and so often my pride tells me that my worth and self-esteem comes from being able to handle things on my own. But, God tells me that my worth  and self-esteem is found in the identity He has bestowed upon me, through His son. Jesus, when He gave His life on the cross, made it possible for me to become a child of the One, True God. This makes my pride insignificant and unnecessary,because it is impossible for me to be anything but humble when I stop to think of all that God has done for me and how He is changing me. My pride is also rendered useless because God did not create us to walk through trials and fights on our own. He has called us to let Him win battles for us since the war is already won. How amazing is it that God stands between us and the enemy of our souls and tells Satan that he can't have us, because we already belong to God? 

Another thing I struggle with is my imagination. Don't get me wrong. Imagination is a wonderful gift from God, and as image-bearers, our imagination is meant to reflect God's creativity. It becomes sin when I allow it to become more important than God and when I allow it to pull me away from God and what He wants from me. Now, I have gotten better, by the grace of God, but I too often still go to live in my head, especially now that I am not at Bryan. I think the main reason it is a sin in my life is because I often use it to create a different life for myself. In short, I am basically telling God that I am not happy with the life He has given me or His plans for my life. It is a fine line to walk, though, because I know that God has a plan for the ability He has given me to dream up something from next to nothing.

The truth is always the best way to go, because it sets you free. Being open and honest about our struggles with brothers and sisters in Christ is healing. And if it's the right person, they will help you to overcome, not condemn you, just as Christ did.

From Lonely to Learning

About a month and a half ago, I returned to my former life in Knoxville. I'm a workaholic again. I'm living under my parents' roof again. And, I have to actually leave more than five minutes before I have to be somewhere and I have to use my car to get there. Let me explain. Campus life changes you. You get into the routine of going to class, doing schoolwork, and hanging out with friends. You take up most of your free time with friends. You don't have to run everything by your parents and tell them when you'll be gone and when you'll be home. And on a small campus, you can get anywhere on campus in five minutes or less and by walking.
But the biggest part of my routine on campus was the friends. Day in and day out, I was doing life with these people, even on the days I didn't want to. I would walk through my day with them. Eat with them, talk with them, live with them. There were days I wanted to hide myself and my life from them, but there was always someone to uncover what I was trying to hide and I could not be more thankful for it. There were days that threatened to tear me apart, but they never let that happen. They were as faithful as friends could be, and I am so glad that God blessed me with them.
I suppose I could have written that all in the present tense, because they still do the same things. The only problem is that they are doing in long distance now, and I feel as if the most vital part of my routine is missing now that I am away from these people who became my family. I used to talk with them all multiple times a day, everyday, and that just doesn't happen now. Every time I think about them, even right now just writing this, I get an aching feeling in my heart and I desire to be back there again, doing life with these precious gifts from God.
The thing is that I have been okay without them. Sure, I would much rather be with them than away from them, but when I make myself busy, I barely notice that they are not here all the time. It is only when I stop and think about them that I realize how much I truly miss them and how much I long to be with each and every one of them. So, I don't allow myself to have free-time. I fill all my waking hours with work, television, or books. I spend my days distracting myself, so that I don't feel the pain of not being with the friends who know more about me than anyone else in the world.
The problem with work is that it wears me out and breaks me down. It absolutely exhausts me, and sometimes it really frustrates me. I feel like I can't let it all out either. I can barely keep it together some days. I've lost the support system I had and the friends that held me up to keep me from crumbling under the weight of the stress. Now, that that is gone, I feel like caving in on myself way more often than I should.
So, I turn to television. It allows me to get absorbed in a new place, so I forget about what is going on around me. I use it to take my attention away from all the things in my life that cause me stress and pain. I simply decide to ignore my own problems and get caught up in someone else's problems instead, because everyone loves a good show filled with drama.
Then, I get bored with most of the shows I watch. Plus, I find it hard to completely block out my world when I'm watching a screen. But, reading a good book is an entirely different story. I've learned since my early teenage years to block out everything except for one person's beautifully strung together words on these simple but wonderful pages of a book. I don't know how, but authors have found a way to transport me to another dimension simply by putting funny, squigly lines on a page. It truly is magical, so reading really is the best distraction there is for me.
But, what happens when I've worn out all other options and all I'm left with is my thoughts? My mind tends to go to one of two places: 1) All the useless song lyrics I have stored up there or 2) My friends. Most of the time, my friends win out. I miss them fiercely sometimes, and the ache comes back once again when I start to think about what makes each and every one of them so special and needed in my life.
Then, as it always happens with me, I hear a little voice in the back of my head. It tells me to evaluate my friendships. I hate the feeling I get when I do this, because I know that the little voice is trying to convict me of not relying on God as my sufficiency. Now, these friends are a gift and wonderful blessing from God, but I know I tend to put my relationships with them above my relationship with God. It always hits me hard, because I love these people, and they're not pulling me away from God. The problem is that I need to be able to say that I lack nothing if God is the only thing I have. No home. No food. No friends! I don't think I could say that.
That means that friends have become too important to me. Does that mean I should abandon my friendships or try to become more distant with them? Of course not. It simply means that I should be focusing my energy more on God in this season of lacking in my life. I want to get to a point where it would hurt, but I could go on, if each and every one of my friends was taken from me today. I want God to be the only thing I will ever need in this life. And if He chooses to bless me with incredible friends, then I will thank Him for them daily, just as I do now.

When the Lights Go Down for the Last Time

There is something about how every actor feels when they leave the stage on the last night of the play. After the curtain call and after the lights go down and the curtain closes for the last time for a certain show, there is a heaviness that fills your heart, but a lightness that fills the air. You start tearing down the set and you work hard for a couple of hours and suddenly, the set is nonexistent. The stage is empty and all that is left are the cast members that have become your family in just a few short months. Some of them, you've just gotten to know better. Some of them, you may have never known if you weren't in the play together. Then, you go out and celebrate, because it really was a great show and it was an amazing run for everyone.
Then, the next night rolls around. For the past three nights, you've walked down to the auditorium at about 6:30 to get your costume on and get ready to perform the show. You glance at the time on your computer screen. It says 6:40. Then, it truly hits you. You really are done performing the show that you worked on for months and all that is left of the show are the memories and friendships you made along the way. It is a bittersweet feeling and you want to cry and be thankful at the same time.
There are no words that exist to express how thankful I am to have been a part of Oklahoma, but there are also few words to describe the pain in my chest when I think about the fact that I truly am done with being on stage until next semester.
Being in Oklahoma gave me the chance to rediscover my love for theatre, but it also made me rediscover the sadness that covers me when I will no longer step onto the stage as a certain character again, even if that character is only a nameless farmer's daughter. Every character is a cherished, dear friend and I will see her from time to time, but she will never fully reappear ever again. I fear that there are some parts of each character that fade away at the end of every show, never to be seen again. I reflect on the time I've had being in every show I've been in, but I never cultivated deep friendships in any of the others, and I have never missed a show as much as I continue to miss Oklahoma.
I think part of it is that fact that we had three veteran actors that will be leaving in just a few short weeks. I watched as the curtain closed for the very last time on these three actors and that was heart wrenching. (Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew, you will be missed by many on this campus and in the theatre.) But, there is a light, because even as good goes, good usually comes. True, I do not think I will ever forget those three, but we also still have talented people at the school, and I know of at least one phenomenal actor coming next year. So, even though Crystal, Caleb, and Andrew will remain irreplaceable, there is a small light at the end of the tunnel. To those seniors who were in the show and are now moving on and to those who are coming into Bryan and want to perform, "There's a bright golden haze on the meadow. There's a bright golden haze on the meadow... [Your dreams are as high as the clouds going by] and it looks like they're climbing clear up [through] the sky."
What else now is there to say but thank you? Thank you to those in the show that made me feel accepted and loved (you know who you are). Thank you to the seniors who gave their all for one last time on the stage. And thank you to anyone who was a part of this production in any way. I am so glad that I was able to rediscover a part of myself that really missed being able to shine. So, until next time, "We're only saying, 'You're doin fine Oklahoma.' Oklahoma. O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A. Oklahoma. Yeow!"

With Him, I Lack Nothing

This week, in my journal, I began to write about things that can combat my negative core beliefs, but instead of combating the already existing beliefs, I decided to create a new, positive one. Here is what is written in my journal: "God loves me unconditionally as one who is redeemed by the blood of His precious son, and as long as He sees me as worthy and calls me His beloved, I will be lacking nothing." 

The issue is that, for most of us, this isn't even close to the truth. We think that we can make God our everything, but when we really think about what that would mean, we change our minds. It would mean losing all of our possessions, most of our clothing, our money, our family, our friends, everything that we ever held dear except for Jesus. Would you really be okay with God being everything then? Or would you wish you had at least some of that stuff back?

Hey, I'm the same way. If I'm honest, I would not be okay with losing everything today. I would not be able to say that God is still good, and that I still had all I needed. God would not be enough for me. And I don't want to be that way anymore. I want God to be enough for me. I want everything in this world to pale so much in comparison to God that I don't even notice when it's gone. The trouble is that, as feeble-minded people, we too quickly get distracted from keeping our eyes on the Lord.

Even Peter, who literally saw Jesus in front of him and was walking towards Jesus, got distracted by the waves. Sometimes, I am Peter, set on the Lord and walking towards Him step-by-step. Then, the worries and deadlines of this world start to creep up on me and splash me left and right. The winds of adversity whistle through the air and almost sweep me off my feet. That is when I begin to take my eyes off of the Lord. I go through times of intense pain, stress, and anxiety and I get distracted from following after Jesus. I take my eyes off of the only man who can save me when I begin to drown in everything this world throws at me.Then, a miraculous thing happens for me, just as it happened for Peter. As I begin to sink further and further down, Jesus stretches out his hand and takes me out of the clutches of everything this world throws at me. 

I think that we have a hard time seeing ourselves as lovable, so we cannot wrap our small brains around God's huge plan for redemption. We cannot love in the same way that God can, so we cannot understand how He gave up everything for us who had turned against Him. It makes no sense, but that is part of the mystery of grace. I think once we realize that we have grace and mercy daily, we begin to accept the love of God. And when we see that He loves us so much more than any other person or being could, we realize that He would never hurt us if it wasn't for our own good.

Believe me, I know it is hard when everyday feels like a constant struggle against the waves and the wind. But, we have a God who can walk on water, invites you to walk on top of the waves with Him, and will always save you when you inevitably take your eyes off of Him. Therefore, you can trust that if you were left with nothing but God right now today, you would still lack nothing.