The Honest One

Author's Note: I don't want to post this. I know it will be freeing, but I'm also terrified to have the secrets I have only shared with a select few out in the open. I only hope that God will allow this to touch at least one person. That would make it worth it to me. Just know that this is in no way meant to condemn or ask for sympathy. I'm simply being honest with all of you. If you have any questions about what I've shared or why I've said something, feel free to ask. This is one post I especially do not want anyone to be confused about.

One of my friends recently reminded me that we have to be totally vulnerable in order to be completely healed. Now, I'm not saying that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good thing. In fact, I think that is a fairly foolish thing to do, but we do have to learn to open up more about the things we struggle with. It is so freeing. I recently opened up to another friend, whom I have never been really close to, and the sense of acceptance and love I felt from her was freeing, but was also extremely healing. I always think that people are going to judge me when I open up, but there was no judgement from her, only acknowledgement that we all struggle with lots of different things, and most of us have habitual sins that we struggle with on a daily basis.

I  am so incredibly good about sharing things that I am learning and that I am succeeding with, but things that I struggle with is a totally different story. I tend to shut down and ignore people when they try to get me to open up about things. On one hand, I know that people struggle with habitual sins just like I do. But on the other hand, I always feel like my sins are worse, and I feel like a failure because I'm not able to conquer them. I feel guilt and shame just thinking about them. I hate to admit to things that I feel like I will never be able to change, because it makes me admit to not having the control or the strength to change it.

When I begin to feel weak, I realize that I am forgetting that I have the Almighty God of the Universe on my side, and He gives me the strength to defeat the things that I cannot conquer on my own. The only issue is that one of the things I struggle with is my pride, and so often my pride tells me that my worth and self-esteem comes from being able to handle things on my own. But, God tells me that my worth  and self-esteem is found in the identity He has bestowed upon me, through His son. Jesus, when He gave His life on the cross, made it possible for me to become a child of the One, True God. This makes my pride insignificant and unnecessary,because it is impossible for me to be anything but humble when I stop to think of all that God has done for me and how He is changing me. My pride is also rendered useless because God did not create us to walk through trials and fights on our own. He has called us to let Him win battles for us since the war is already won. How amazing is it that God stands between us and the enemy of our souls and tells Satan that he can't have us, because we already belong to God? 

Another thing I struggle with is my imagination. Don't get me wrong. Imagination is a wonderful gift from God, and as image-bearers, our imagination is meant to reflect God's creativity. It becomes sin when I allow it to become more important than God and when I allow it to pull me away from God and what He wants from me. Now, I have gotten better, by the grace of God, but I too often still go to live in my head, especially now that I am not at Bryan. I think the main reason it is a sin in my life is because I often use it to create a different life for myself. In short, I am basically telling God that I am not happy with the life He has given me or His plans for my life. It is a fine line to walk, though, because I know that God has a plan for the ability He has given me to dream up something from next to nothing.

The truth is always the best way to go, because it sets you free. Being open and honest about our struggles with brothers and sisters in Christ is healing. And if it's the right person, they will help you to overcome, not condemn you, just as Christ did.